Ich hop un gooda dock caut...

Ich hop un gooda dock caut. I had a good day. Every day is good, so long as God is in it. Huh. Is that me, sounding so trite and perfect? Ah... Yes, but it is. How can I say I've been having good days, when they have been filled with heartache and loneliness and worries? I don't know. But I say it nonetheless. Ich hop un gooda dock caut.

Days are full and busy. Are beautiful and tear-filled. A strange mixture. A contradiction? Maybe. It could be. Lately I've been finding much of life a contradiction. Beauty and pain. Sorrow and joy. Laughter and tears. Friends and enemies. Weakness and strength. Life and death. Spring and winter. And... Amidst all that, where is my balance, where is my grounding? How do I know that I am grounded, how do I know that I'm secure? Why do I act so sure of myself, and how can I be so confident? Well, let me tell you that a part of my confidence and security is just an act. But another part of it really isn't. God has swept into my life like never before, these past few weeks, and the results have been amazing. Now, sitting on a concrete step with bare feet and a baby sitting in front of me, I have to let go. Every moment I have to choose to let go, let go and let God move.

Baby has learned how to pull off his socks, and he enjoys that so much. Sweet baby. I sit there and watch him, warm from the late afternoon sun, and cool from the spring breeze. Content. And I let go... I open up... God. God. Where, Why and How doesn't matter, and all that overwhelms is the goodness and bigness of God. The days move on and on.

I go out to my special spot in the woods, heart broken and overloaded with worry and pain. Eyes lifted, fists slowly uncurled. Oh God, my God! And I let go in the stillness. Give up. Open up. And then there are days where my heart overflows with joy, and letting go is so easy... On days like that, I'm just along for the ride, following blithely. It's a strange combination, this life. A contradiction.

Baby wrinkles his nose at my feeding him avacado. It's good, baby... good! Sweet baby... Can't handle textures. Would rather have applesauce mixed with the avocado than eat it plain with salt. Yech. Sweet baby... Well, I understand when its bananas. I'd rather do without those too, baby...

~~~~~

You know, I almost died on Sunday. It was a foolish mistake of mine while I was driving. I still shiver to think that... That I could've died. "No, you're a strong girl... You wouldn't have died..." "Cars are a high powered, dangerous death machine..." "Always look twice... It pays to look twice..." "Are you okay? You look like you need a hug." "She looked like she was in shock..." "It's okay, I forgive you..." "God, what's wrong? I've always been so careful? God, I could've died..." It's a sobering thought... So sobering. Death. In front of me. Around me. Pointing at me. I could die at any moment.... Any moment. The nights grow long, and I cry.

My song plays for me, again and again. God's little voice, in my ear, tender, loving... "my child... my child... I am here... I am watching..." And I cry... How? How could he love me so? I can't believe it. I can't believe how anyone would love me so. Why? Why does he care, when I'm so small and full of failures and imperfections? Really? God, how my heart swells with adoration. Words cannot express how I feel for you. And if my feelings for you are only the smallest imperfect fraction of how you feel for me - well God, that is indescribable. How? Why? Really?? Me? God, you are awesome. I reach and reach, try and try, desperately grasping for God... And he whispers in my ear, gently...

"My child, my child, let go, then you will find me."