Here In This Moment

I'm tired and sick, lying in bed. I could and should be doing other things, but here I am... Writing. Today my fingers itched to be writing. I longed to have my pen and journal and capture the thoughts. But I was at work. And of course, I couldn't. Instead, in every unoccupied moment, I looked off into space, and thought. Now that I may write, I almost don't know what to write. I'm sleepy. I'm disappointed. I'm not feeling the best. Random thoughts flicker across my mind... God is good... I am not... I wish I could be well again and not get sick anymore. I wish I were a better person... I can't believe God loves me so much... I'm sleepy... I'm in pain............. God always seems to show me His awesome love and care... It never ceases to warm my heart... I can recount of a few special times when God has recently clearly shown me how He is watching out for me. Last night, it made me cry, driving home in the rain and fog... I have a special song.... This one:

...........

You always think I'm somewhere on a mountain top
But never think behind bars
You'd be amazed the places that I'd go to be with you
Where you are
So forget what you've heard
What you think that you know
There's alot about me
That's never been told
I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am
More than you think I am

Rumor has it there's a gavel in my hand
I'm only here to condemn
But let me tell you secrets you would've never known
I think of you as my best friend
So much has been said
Even done in my name
But I'm showing you now
Who I really am

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am
More than you think I am

Let me open your eyes to see the heart of me, differently... Come closer than you've ever been, let me in like never before. Bring me every broken part, the wounds and scars of who you are, and hide in me, and you will see -

I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am
I'm more than you think I am
More than you think I am
More than you think I am
I'm more than you think I am

...........

It's by Danny Gokey, and it makes me cry every time. If not outwardly, inwardly. Not a sad cry, but a happy one. A cry that is part smile, part lifted hands, part dancing, and pure love.... I know God is good, and I know He loves me. And last night, I was praying to God, asking him and crying out to him about something bothering me. I rode in silence then for a while, and then. Then. Then this song turned on, and reached out to me in the depths of my turmoil. God! God! My soul cried, and I knew that he cares. And then today. I was overwhelmed, and was rendered speechless. I always heard of how God proved his love to others, but I never saw it in my life. And then bam... I looked for it, and I found it. I am blessed. Do you know what I learned today? That God has hidden people in hidden places looking out for me and proving they care. It's one thing for my friends and family to care and pray and love me. I am blessed extraordinarily much by them. But today I was speechless to discover that there are people who don't even know me, who are looking out for me. I say people, because I believe that there are many. But today I learned of one. The one owner of the store I work in. When I walked with my friend and manager Sammie today during our lunch hour, as per our Friday habit, she told me some things that made me love and respect my manager J.H. even more than I did already. Let me tell you, the guys I work for are really good guys. Really good. A lot of my coworkers have worked there all their lives, and that really says something, let me tell you. I can't share all the details of how J.H. was looking out for me and my safety, its too private and personal... But it warmed my heart, and even now I can't understand why someone who doesn't know me very well would care about me. I am blessed. Extraordinarily. Oh God, oh God... My Father and my Friend... Beloved and Brother... Comforter and Keeper... How can I thank you enough? For all you do, all I could ever do would never even begin to repay. You are pure goodness, and I, vile. My heart is overwhelmed with love for you, how could you be so good to me? Your goodness and your love causes me to be overflowed with desire and adoration for you... Oh Lord....

.............

So here I am ready to have all of you. So here I am waiting for you and... Nothing can change the way I feel when I'm with you, You give me a peace that surpasses all understanding. And no one can tell me there's a better place than with you, You give love everlasting Oh, here You come With Your arms open wide (come fill me) Oh,cause You are the one Who fulfills all my desires You are love, You are life. You're the air that I breathe, You're my day and my night. You're my joy,You're my peace. You're the wings for my flight, And vision to my sight. You are truth, You are power You gave me faith to believe, Brought me straight to my knees Now I'm standing Here in this moment, with You There's nowhere I'd rather be There's only one who can truly satisfy me. Only you can give me everything that I need. And as high as the heavens are above the earth You've shown me your love so unconditionally Oh, here You come With Your arms open wide (come fill me) Oh cause You are the one Who can fill me with this fire There's nothing that I can do without You, I know life only because of Your love. I just can't breathe without You, I'm so crazy about You, And I know love only because of Your life. Oh You overwhelm me with Your love. Oh You overwhelm me, You overwhelm me!

(Beckah Shae)

...........

There is a lot which tears down at work. Today I got so mad I went to the back cooler, where Sammie was putting away lunchmeat and cheese she ordered. I hesitated to say something... saying nevermind, and I guess it isn't a big deal. But then I turned around again and said that everyone was really bothering me... They keep gossiping. I know everyone isn't perfect, or even full of good character. Some have some bad character. But still, it made and still makes me so mad to have them gossip nonstop about different of their coworkers. Sometimes its slander, is what it is. I told Sammie I guess she can't really do anything about it, and she smiled... Do you want me to use duct tape, she asked? We laughed, and she told me I could stay back there and help her a while. That was more fun anyway. Sammie and I have so much fun together. I hope things don't change if she marries. I'm afraid they will change though, drastically. That makes me sad. I love Sammie so much, and I don't want her to go away and never be my friend and big sister anymore.... I need her to be my friend......... TT_TT

Kevin does seem pretty nice tho. He seems to be a good match for her.... It's hilarious to see how everyone teases her. In the deli and the kitchen, people speak as though she is already engaged... "When she gets married", "At Sammie's wedding", "Sammie better get married on a Sunday so we all can come!" "I'm coming to her wedding even if I'm not invited! I won't miss that for anything!" I love my coworkers. I love them to death. I just love people sometimes.... It's these funny little quirks and things that make me smile and make bad days better. Like when Marilyn comes in search of the haaam and the biff to make haaaam salad and biff salad! (That's her job in the kitchen... She makes the coleslaw, the beef salad, and the hamsalad) We talk in British accents some Friday mornings between seven and eight, when she comes out to get the ham and beef... I set up the deli on Fridays, and the store is so different before it opens. I love it. Really... Tho my job gets tiring and I can't wait to go home and relax, I just enjoy it so much. The people. My, the people.

Today there was a couple real nice ladies and men who called me sweetie and were real friendly. Course, there were some who were distant and distracted... I don't blame them. And I don't blame the guy this week who came in and asked for American cheese sliced thin... And when I offered him the presliced, said very sternly, "I didn't say presliced. What did I say?!" No, I didn't blame him... He wasn't trying to be grouchy, I don't think. Still, he hurt my feelings. I sliced him his cheese and by the time I turned around, I could smile at him again.

Sammie gave me a much loved video series to me to borrow... Christy.... I'm excited to keep watching. It's so interesting... I always loved the book Christy.

Today was chocolate candy and chocolate peanutbutter egg day. The ladies in the kitchen made that up and put a paper on the door so anyone who wanted could bring something. There was a lot brought today... And it was all very very good. :) By the way, I love chocolate... :) But I should go to bed now.

Goot nah.... Shlauf goot. :P