In Mourning

I do not feel... I do not cry. I only breathe. Suck in air, blow out. Suck in, breathe out. Close my eyes. Hold back a shudder. Bow my head. And slowly, the tears begin to fall. Silently they fall, silent and
quickening. I close my eyes. I do not feel.
 
What do I do when my heart is so broken I cannot move? What do I do when tears rack my soul? What do I do when I have no longer any hope?
 
My God... I have prayed so long. I have cried so much. I have hoped beyond hope. And have you not answered me? There is agony in my soul. I am broken and bleeding. I have asked your help. Will you remain silent? I ask you to come... I ask you to heal. Yet the scars still remain. Tears still fall like rain. Hope is yet deferred. My God...
 
The tears beat a steady path down my cheeks. I make no sound, I lie still. My God, there is no change. My God, my heart breaks. Hear me now when I call, oh my God. My Father, in whom I put my trust. Do not let me down again... Be with me now, and hear my call. My faith is on
the ground, and I can barely lift it. My faith is small. But you promised... your promise is that faith the size of a mustard seed will move mountains. My Father, you promised that. My faith is small, and
as my hope has been ignored so many times, it is with tears that I ask again... and I ask again. I will not stop, no matter how small my faith is, no matter how difficult the situation.
 
My God, my God. My God and Father, please... please heal my Dad.
 
When the tears slow, I take a deep breath. My stomach hurts, and my sore neck aches. I feel miserable. I look upward again... It is raining. The skies look bleary and unresponsive. My God... I will ask forever, and never stop. I will ask.. please show me mercy, please
show my father mercy, and bring healing to our hearts.

 
~
 
 
Today has been a very trying day. This is the day I faced a monster. My tears will not stop. My heart will not heal. Because there was a broken child inside of that monster, and I am mourning for that child. My God, what happened to make him like this? My God... my God, my heart breaks for him. Please, Father, heal him and soften his heart. Break him and remold him to be a vessel for honor, not dishonor. My God, I ask this of you with all my heart. All my life I have struggled with hating this monster; I have struggled to show him love or respect. There was nothing in him to respect, and his changing personality made it difficult for my child's heart to love him, especially after a difficult mood, for what was to stop him from changing on me again and being angry? But this monster wasn't always a monster. He was an unlovely human, but he was also very charming. And even now, he isn't pure evil. No one is ever such in real life, it seems. Even now, he wants so badly to be loved, to be respected. He is so hurt, so broken. I cannot describe all that has happened in the past year and a half to make him like this, and especially the past week, but let it suffice to say that he is broken, so very broken. My heart breaks for him. God, how I love him. How he has hurt me, but how I love him. Please, please work in his heart... I beg you, my Father. My father is a broken man. His past and his choices have made him into a monster, but in his heart he is still a child wanting to be loved, and wanting to be respectable, and wanting to be desired. And I cry. I cry in deep sobs because it is his own choices that have made him unlovable and unrespectable.
 
Yes, this day I faced a monster. And I cried.