Dear soul,
Sometimes when you need to recover, your days are full of just
plowing through the ordinary. Like picking up trash off the ground,
doing the stack of dishes in the sink, putting the new roll of toilet
paper on the stand and throwing away the old roll, putting away laundry,
hanging up the wet laundry that has sat in a laundry basket for half a
day already, wiping the counter, wiping dirty faces, getting up every
morning - not always on time, but always getting up - organizing messes,
practicing cello, studying ASL... And then your days are full of
escaping, like getting lost in a book, turning music up loud, watching a
movie, cooking and baking until the ache in your heart seems to
diminish some, playing games, always doing something... Just trying to
get the ache to go away, and breathe again. Just trying to move on day
after day until maybe you'll be past the pain. Sometimes it doesn't
work... Many times it doesn't. Many times you just sink down on the
ground, or in your bed, and cry... Cry, because the pain seems to never
leave. Cry, because you can't seem to get any better. Cry, because in
the night its the worse. Cry, because everyone tries to fix you, and you
certainly don't want them to do that. Cry, because you're lonely even
though you don't want to be around people or have a single person try to
help or ask you how you are. Cry, because its just so darn hard. Then
morning breaks just as bleak and difficult as you imagined it would be,
and you can't stop the tears that fall as you drive to work, begging God
to please heal, please give wisdom, please create a desire to want what
He wants!
Sometimes when you need to recover, you have to force yourself to do
what you need. You have to force yourself to go to bed every night at a
reasonable time, so your misery can't accumulate and drown out your
sense of reason. You have to do things even when you want to sit and do
nothing, or sit and read, or sit and mindlessly check the web. You have
to stand up and be strong, and tell people you're doing well when you
feel like a mess. You have to smile and laugh, because if you make
yourself try, then eventually you'll be able to do it naturally. You
have to hug the little children and remove your mind from yourself...
You have to let go the agonizing thoughts and hold on to peace. You have
to stop fighting life, but keep fighting against giving up. You have to
let yourself cry.
Healing doesn't take place overnight, and neither does change. You
can make choice after choice that leaves you in a horrid and painful
place, noticing all the things that went wrong, but after you see where
you are, you have to make the choices that are right for yourself, or
you'll only spiral downward. Right now in your tough spot, you can
either give up in the pain and refuse to acknowledge the truth, or you
can stand up, accepting where you are and what life has right now. After
that, you need only keep making the daily choices that keep you going.
Eat normally. Get up at a good time. Follow up on your to-do list. Keep
the garden weeded. Try making new dishes. Learn new music. Get sleep.
Limit distractions, escapes and dreaming. Care for others. Consider all
the things you could pursue while you have the freedom. Clean house.
Keep your hair and clothes tidy and clean. Help out wherever you can.
Spend your money to make people happy and benefit those who are needy.
Give lots of hugs. Step outside of your comfort zone and say special
words to your family, even if you squirm to do so. Live making the most
of every opportunity and living to the fullest you can.
Don't overwhelm yourself with the struggle and the fierceness of the
pain. Don't overthink it or try to work it all out. Don't feel obliged
to tell everyone who cares about you of your troubles. Don't feel guilty
for wanting to keep it inside for now. Don't worry. Just soak up the
sun, and keep breathing.
Hearts break every day. Yours isn't the first, and it won't be the
last. Keep living moment by moment, and muster up the strength to pray,
each moment, for strength for the next moment.
God is faithful, He'll provide the necessary strength for tomorrow.
And try again.
Yours truly,
Joelle
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