Chasing the Magic: Beginning Summer With Heart and Soul

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me, that I'm still having problems. I wonder why I get depressed still, and why discouragement is such a part of my life. I wish sometimes that I knew how to get rid of my discouragement, and that I could just learn to be without it. I know in all reality that I have many good things, yet knowing that can't stop the discouragement. I thought about it, and I decided that I do have things to be discouraged about. There are discouraging things in my life, and there are struggles that overwhelm me sometimes. And, actually, that is normal. It is not something I should be ashamed of. Discouragement is but a part of life, and I only need find out how to push through it. Giving in to it only ensures its presence in my future. Fighting it and pursuing joy and peace and love gives me an escape. And knowing that should give me hope. It does, sometimes. But sometimes I can't see it and it makes me sad that I cannot.

Right now I'm ambivalent. I am between discouragement and hope. There is a struggle going on, yet I feel strangely still. Strangely on the outside of the confusion. Not necessarily at peace, but still. And that is good. Good enough, anyway. There has been much good happening - small good, but still good. Little things to be encouraged and hopeful about. And thankful. Nothing extraordinary shakes my life. I live my life, like I seem to announce in every blog post. I just live, moving from one day to the next. I work. I sleep. I eat. And I make it a point to enjoy as many days possible. I try not to distract myself with the cares of this world.

I used to think that the cares of this world were the worldly pleasures and sinful indulgences that other people - not myself - centered their lives around. Now I'm learning differently. It's not only the obvious that chokes us out. It's not only the obviously worldly and sinful that kills our spirit. It's the apparently good and righteous that can do that very same thing, and even more effectively, sometimes. And I can see Satan in my life all the time, now. Trying to choke me out through so many things. It's scary, yes. Because sometimes he succeeds, and sometimes I fall below what I want for myself. But he doesn't always succeed. No, God has grace always available for my taking.

There seems to be a small bit of confusion swirling through my life... not distressing confusion, but a strange sort of contradictory things in my life. Sermons that make a lot of sense and seem to calm the struggles and worries in my head, even though I disagree with some elements... Loving and feeling so angry towards one person all at once(such a strange feeling... love and anger mixed...)... The mix of desperation for change, and detesting the same... And yet I seem to find a peace in the midst of all the confusion. Because it really isn't that confusing, and I needn't worry over everything. I can't know it all yet, and there are some things I can't know till I'm in heaven with God. Sometimes there seem to be contradictory things in the Bible, but I needn't worry about it... I just need to remember that God cannot lie, and that everything there is Truth.

....The grief of history - discovering the horridness and confusion of days gone by. Discovering the sins of our long gone ancestors... Discovering the different shades of right and wrong, and seeing the pain and coping mechanisms of those in the Past....

...Putting a good book aside because the Truths in it ignite such an angry fire inside of me...

"FEAR GIVES SOMEONE POWER OVER YOU."

Happy times... full of laughter and outdoor enjoyment... Good people and good friends... Hugs and joy and beauty... Love to make the days calmer and more full of peace.

There is something about being outside that calms my soul. I can find rest out there, and sometimes I almost feel closer to God in those places of beauty.

~~~

...Discussing flowers, animals and colours with a little girl a day short of four years...

...Chalk drawings on the sidewalk...

...Making baby food for the first time in almost forever...

Miss Lou: Can you walk on water?

Me: No, can you?

Miss Lou: Yes, of course. And Jesus can walk on water too.

Me: So how did you learn to do that?!

Miss Lou, calmly: Oh, the Bible teaches me how.

Lou: Let's pretend that this is our house, and you're the dad, and I'm the mom, and Conrad is the baby. And Conrad dies, and we cry and cry and cry. Then we pray, and he comes back to life. Okay? Let's play that game.

[We cry together loudly]

Lou: Dear God, thanks for making our baby come back to life. [To me:] Hey, look! He's alive! Okay, not let's play that we all die, then come back to life. [thinks a moment] Well, actually, just let me die this time, and you cry and then pray for me. Now pray! Look! I'm alive!

I suppose she thought it wouldn't be any fun without someone alive to cry for the dead one. -.- That girl. Sometimes I don't quite know what to say to her.

Evenings with cartwheels, handstands, football and burnt hotdogs and marshmallows fade into night... A steady beat pulses, we keep time in fluid movements. Hulahoops fly through the air, twirl around waists and bare arms. Spin, throw, catch... Stop... Dance...

Laughter breezes across the dim light. We rest, on logs, pollywogs and marshmallow stuck in our hair. Ketchup squirts over kit sweaters, causing eyebrows to go haywire, and eyes to widen. We grin.

Play gives way to work, gives way to more play. Hysterical laughter overtakes us, and we cannot stop.