Off~Days

There are mornings when you wake up and just know that its a bad day. Mornings that you hear your alarm, and sit up on the side of your bed, and you exhale, but can't seem to inhale again. So you get dressed in neat and clean clothes, and brush your teeth, wash your face, comb your hair, read your bible, but your body aches to just crawl back into bed and sleep, or cry, or sleep and cry. And you take a moment to pick up your journal, but you can't write. Slowly, then, the words come out:

Wednesday, October 22

Today is going to be a difficult day. Jesu... juva!

And the words of a song come to mind, so you write them on the nearly empty page.

When do I stop feeling this burn?

When do I live, when do I learn?

When will I realize that look in your eyes won't come back?

I'm right here, standing in the pouring rain, tick tock, hours all move the same.

I say your name, say your name...

I'm right here, running just as fast as I can, and I swear, I'm never gonna do this again.

I say your name, say your name...

Try to be strong, but I keep dreaming of you,

I really wish this was easy to do, but I've never felt this tied up and helpless,

And all I know is you're gone, how do I let go?

Well I know that someday this pain here will fade.

But right now I can't explain I want to scream!

The morning moves on, however, very slowly. You go downstairs, cold cereal for breakfast, and turn on the hot water heater so you can do dishes. You mechanically try to work. There are messes everywhere calling your name, and every time one is picked up, another is created to take its place. The children are crying and are disagreeable. The rain outside creates a dreary atmosphere, and they bicker and fight. You sit down to work with one on his reading, and find yourself getting angry because he isn't focusing well.

A deep breath.

Then the youngest comes wailing over something; you don't know what. With a sigh, you pick her up and hold her. When she stops crying, you continue the reading lesson with the other child.

Yes, today has been very much like that. Not only did I wake up emotionally low, but problem after problem flooded my life. Oh, of course, not big problems. Just the little ones, one after another to overflow my cup. If it wasn't the children's miserableness, it was the dirty dishes in the sink.

If it wasn't the kitchen mess, well, there were plenty other messes to think on. Funny tho, how I have learned to look over the messes.

That is a good thing to do; look over the messes. Because even in the mess and dirt of life there are times of smiles and laughter.

I felt as if I wasn't able to sit down until after lunch and after the children were asleep in their beds.

Ryrie especially took long to get asleep, as always, but I wished that she would've fallen asleep earlier, because she was acting so tired and grumpy. I had promised to wake them up after they slept awhile so they could help me make an applesauce pie, and I wanted her to sleep as long as possible. Ah well, she shall sleep early tonight.

Only after they slept were the messes able to be cleaned. Tackling one at a time, I did it. And I learned something. That it takes a choice to turn a bad day into a good one. "This is going to be a good day!" I told Ryrie, thumping my fist on the table for effect. Rye grinned, and thumped her spoon on the table.

Yes, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and who fashioned me according to his purpose. Today has been hard, but it isn't over yet, and it won't be a bad day if I have anything to do with it.

~~~

Only be strong, and very courageous... Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

~~~

The day has come to a close, and the sun is on its way to the other side of the earth. The day has been long. And difficult. Michael and PattyJo got sick, and I'm feeling very low. The day has been long and full of struggles. It wasn't a special day; just another day. So lonely I feel, and tired. These are the days I wish I could skip. But, then again, these are the ones that make character.