Ramblings and Thoughts

What do you do when you know God is tugging at your heart... when you know He wants you to do something, when you feel so strongly that He has something amazing planned - and you find yourself doing what you feel is nothing?

I am at that point where I feel like I don't know a thing of my future. I have an inkling that God has mighty things in store, but I have no idea what. Right now I am standing here hoping, loving life, feeling excited... and yet I know so little. I have come to so many conclusions of what to do with my life, and as they all seem to be more and more uncertain, and less and less like plans, I have figured out one thing. I am an actionary person. I like to know my plan and act on it. I don't like to have uncertainties hanging about my head like a storm cloud. I like to be decisive.

But what does knowing that do for me? Because when I am decisive, I am making the plans. And even when I am making the plans, I still am left with feelings of uncertainty! Because I don't have the control to actually make the plans come true. Now on the other hand, I do want to do what God wants me to do, but I don't like the feeling of uncertainty that following God seems to bring with it. Following God entails giving up control. And though I've never had control of my life from the first breath I took, I still want to be on back-up to take over if God doesn't plan the 'best' for me.

But either way, whether I make the plans or I decide to leave it to God, I am out of control.

And so of course I decide to leave it up to God. And it ends up that I start to think something like this: "Okaaay, so I want to follow God's leading in my life. And I know He wants me to serve Him. So what are some ways I can serve Him in my life?" (Now I am thinking of my future life, that is. My future life is what is important, fun and worthwhile. Not now.)

Of course, I don't think of the boring things, like "be gentle to the children", or "behave like a Christ-like lady" or "endure difficult situations like a soldier of Christ", or "pray without ceasing" - No, I think of things like "go live as a missionary in a terrible part of the world", "move away on some sort of adventure" or, on the other hand, some not so fun adventures, like "go to college for nursing". Yet all those things, although they are really good plans and really wonderful ways of serving God, planning out those things for my life gives me no security what-so-ever at all.

Because it might not work out! My plans seem to have a habit of falling through.

So what is important? If I live my life planning to do certain things because they're good ways of serving God (not because God is leading me to do them) how will I feel if or when I am not able to do those things?

I know how I will feel.

Awful.

Unfulfilled.

Unprofitable.

Failed.

I will feel like I have failed God. That I have failed to serve Him.

And so it ends up that I get so confused about what I am going to do with my life. I worry, and I fret, and I make plans, and the plans fall through, and I dream, and I worry some more. What if my plans don't work? What if the door shuts? What if I am unable to do anything I have decided that God wants me to do? Will I be a failure? Will that mean that God didn't want me to do it? Or that I made a fatal mistake?



With all that rambling, what is my conclusion? I look over what I have written, and I see so many distracting rabbit trails dusting over the surface of a deep and serious topic. And I sit here, reflecting upon all the different hopes and dreams and plans I have, whether enjoyable or simply practical ones. And I know only one thing.

God is with me.

And who is God?

The Master-planner. The Weaver of Intricate designs. The Writer of an amazing earth-story. The Creator of each human being from every different time and place. And He is capable - no, more than capable - to weave my life story.

So what's the big deal? What does it matter whether or not I follow through with my current plans and dreams? Will it matter to me? No - because I trust that God has something wonderful planned, and I can trust that He will open the right doors for me, and close the wrong ones. And really, I have no right to worry right now about my future. I need to get ready for it! And I think that the Bible just might have some things to say on how to get ready!