Q: What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the dead person on the inside.
Q: Why do cellists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
A: They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.
Q: Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the cello?
A: It saves time.
Q: Why do cellists smile when they play?
A: Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed cello in the road?
A: Skid marks before the skunk.
Q: A conductor and a cellist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why?
A: The conductor. Business before pleasure.
Q: What do a cello and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: What is the range of a cello?
A: As far as you can kick it.
Q: Why are cellos so large?
A: It's an optical illusion. It's not that the cellos are large; just that the cello players' heads are so small.
Q: Did you hear about the cellist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
A: The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Q: What is the main requirement at the "International Cello Competition?"
A: Hold the cello from memory.
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A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the cellists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the cellist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "Cello left hand, bow right."
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Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high!
Q: Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
A: Violins don't have spit valves.
Q: Why is a cello larger than a violin?
A: It's not -- the violinist's head is bigger.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A: A flat major.
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Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
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Q: What is a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
Q: How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
A: He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a tuba glue.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.
Q: What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
A: New Age music
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There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
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A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
Ha ha!
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