The topic at the supper table last night was certainly an interesting one. Have you ever held a forum on what to do when you are on a date with someone you don't want to go out with? Well, for some odd reason, that is exactly what we were discussing.
"First off," my Dad said, "have bad breath." But, of course, that isn't very funny, and some people don't even notice that. So we had to think up better ideas.
My idea was to take a big bite of something very spittable during a funny conversation, then laugh, spitting it all over the guy in front of you. After apologizing, lean over to give him a napkin, and in so doing knock over his glass of water (if it's soda, that's even better) onto his lap. Then, lose your balance and to catch it, stick your hand down on the table - but onto his plate. It would be good if it was soup in his dish, or something else that is splashable. After that, when you are going to do a toast, drop your glass right at the moment that the two glasses are supposed to touch, then grab his glass, so that it looks like it was his glass that fell. Another good option would be to crash your glass into his, so that it breaks. ^_^
Another good idea was to go into the bathroom halfway through and dress up in some ghoulish costume (complete with mustache, false broken teeth and wig) then come back to the table and sit down. Chances are he won't recognize you, and leave the restaurant screaming. That is always an improvement. Especially if he paid beforehand; you can eat his lunch, too.
Or you could always take the menu, and go through it all, saying with a puppy-dog-like expression, "You don't care if I get this, do you? Or what about this? Can I order that?" Then don't decide on anything, and say mournfully, "Get me whatever you like." But be really unhappy with whatever he picks.
Another funny one was to go through the whole menu with the waitress, acting really high-and-mighty, (It'd be good to add a New York accent) "I think I'd like that, please, but does it have gluten in it?" If he says yes, good; move on to the next one. If he needs to ask someone, just say, "Oh nevermind. What about this? Does this have meat in? I'm a vegetarian and I really can't abide even a flavor of meat..." Then, "Do you think this has any dairy in? I try to stay dairy-free. And this, do you know whether or not this has peanuts or soy in? I have a peanut and soy allergy." The idea is to give the date an impression of you being someone who has lots of "intolerance".
Of course, you could always make frequent trips to the bathroom, or crack your knuckles, or burp loudly, or giggle like a goose... But I think it would be funny to try this; Listen to any or all the conversations around you, but definately not his. If he asks you a question, say "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't hear that." Then say a little later, when he's in the middle of saying something, "Oh did you hear that? That guy is going to the theatre tonight.." and such. It also would be neat to have a bluetooth, and all of a sudden just begin to talk to someone.
"What?" he says.
"Oh, sorry," you reply, "I'm just talking to my friend."
If he asks you if you want desert, say injuredly, "Are you saying I am fat?" If he declines desert, say "Do you have a problem with me having some?" in a real pugnatious tone. If he says he will pay for your meal, say, "Are you thinking that I eat too much for me to pay for myself?" If he tells you he works for his dad in a construction company, widen your eyes and say, "Haven't you any ambition?" And if he asks you if he can take you out again, say, "Do you have a problem with that?" If he asks if he can drive you home, tell him he can drop you off at your boyfriend's house. If he is really dumb enough to do it, then take him to the local prison. ^_^
And I'm sure you stalkers' brains can think up more. Or perhaps stalkers don't get amused by boyfriends and girlfriends having interesting dates. :/
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