Since it is a Sunday, I feel like my blog post should have something in regards to Christianity. I hope thee likes my recountanance of what happened today at church, mine stalkers.
We all voted to go to the church in K___, since normally they have a meal afterwards every first Sunday. (We were sadly disappointed in that regard; seeing as next week they are planning a church picnic, they decided not to have a fellowship meal this time.) We got there in good time, and the service began. With the start of the opening hymn, I knew this would be another predictable - and hilarious - assembly. Oh, they weren't trying to be funny. Not at all. And if I laughed, they would've been offended, no doubt. It's just.... well, when you start singing "Number twenty-five, brother! Twenty-five," with the tempo equaling thirty quarter notes in a minute - sometimes slower to account for times of extra feeling.... and when you add to that a booming preacher voice behind you adding a "Well, now" between each couple of words.... "Sweet hour -" "Well" "-of prayer -" "well" "Sweet hour -" "well" "-of prayer, thy wings -" "well" "my consolation bear" "well" ...... Do you get the point? If you think it out in your mind, it sounds mighty funny, but I don't think you stalkers could really have much success at imagining it up. It's a mighty singular experience.
The next song was better; the metrenome equaling about forty-five in a minute instead of thirty. I was extremely impressed; the song after the sermon was so good, I think it was actually around 130!! That means about two quarter notes in one second! I was very happy to see the church actually do such a good job at singing a little faster. Especially since the last time we were here, me and my sisters made a terrible mistake in the singing. We started out thinking the song leader was going fast, and when we realized they were still on the third note while we were halfway through the first line, we almost died laughing. Of course, we had to laugh silently, because no one else thought that funny. It wasn't. I was rather mad at them for singing such a lovely song so slow!
But enough about that. I shall recount what I remember of the sermon - don't worry, it should be pretty factual. I took notes.
Dear Brother Mark got up there, aheming and aheming the whole way up to the pulpit, where he announced how glad he was to see us all - "Amen, brothers?"
"Amen!"
After that, he told us in no uncertain terms that - "Ih'm a-gunna [he's a black preacher, you know, and his accent, though hard to discern, is fantastic.] not rush through things, okay? I'm gunna give yah'all a good dose of this Word!!" *big Bible slapping noise* Then he went on to preach his sermon, and the next quote I jotted down was - "An' that scripture came to my mihn', and I thought, 'Wow! That is just so good!' Now, there's that scripture somewhere - ah, yes!" *picking up a sheet of paper and peering down at it* "I jot this down awhile ago." After a bit more of stories and rabbit trails, he told the man sitting half-way down the aisle, "Yah there, brother Curtis? Ah, good! Ih'm a just so happy to see you here! Sevah-ral times Ah come, Ah don't see you, I feel like I miss you something big! I feel like, yah know, like you're mah sidekick! So will you turn to Fust Timothy chapter ___. Go ahead and staht reading, please."
Brother Curtis did.
"Now you wait raht there, brother!" Now to us; "You hear what he said, huh? Go ahead, brother!" Now, we went from scripture to scripture in such a fashion. I do not know how they all were connected, but I'm sure they were, somehow. Now let me copy down how specifically one passage-reading turned out.
Br. Curtis: "But you have carefully followed -"
Br. Mark: "Yeah?"
Br. Curtis: "my ... persecutions -"
Br. Mark: "Hear dat?"
Br. Curtis: "afflictions -"
Br. Mark: "Yes?"
Br. Curtis: "which happened to me at Antioch -"
Br. Mark: "Don't go too fast, now, brother!"
Br. Curtis: "...what persecutions I endured -"
Br. Mark: "Amen!"
Br. Curtis: "And out of them all -"
Br. Mark: "Now wait a second! Out of what?"
Br. Curtis: "Out of them all."
Br. Mark: "That's right! Out of them all. Go ahead."
Br. Curtis: "The Lord -"
Br. Mark: "Who?"
Br. Curtis: "The Lord -"
Br. Mark: "That's right. And?"
Br. Curtis: "delivered me -"
Br. Mark: "Hear that?!"
Br. Curtis: "All manner of -"
Br. Mark: "Hold right there! You hear dat? All! A-L-L! All! Not only some. Go ahead, brother."
Br. Curtis: "of doctrine."
Br. Mark: "Hear dat? Not doctrines! Devils have doctrines, plural. Like, if you don't like this doctrine, you can have that! Or maybe you like this doctrine! Like at Burger King; 'Have it your way at Burger King!' No! Doctrine, singular. Now go ahead, brother Curtis."
........
That is how all scripture readings proceeded. Quite an interesting tradition, think ye?
Then he told this story. I thought it quite interesting, though I do not know where it fit into his sermon. I shall copy it here.
.....
"I wuz in school one day, and I heard on da intercom - 'If you're walking, stop walking. If you're talking, stop talking. Because I AM the principal!' An' I stopped walking. I stopped talking. I was talking, but I stopped talking......[He continued about how the voice of the principal just made his stop right there in the hallway... etc. etc., but then went on to say the principal was no nice guy, either. As he said;].... "Ah... back then everybody could get ya. You know how they had them big ole paddles; boy, they could warm your butt! You weren't safe anywhere! You went home, your parents could get ya. At school, your teachers could get ya. You're creeping about in the back yard, the neighbor could get ya, too! Now, it's like - 'Oh, don't hurt them!' Anyway, got to get back on topic. But y'all know what I mean, amen?"
I never heard such an off-topic story. Especially in a sermon. Have you? I will be eager to hear any stories my stalkers have to offer.
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