You know what boredom is. We all feel bored some time or another, but lately I've been feeling what I call "sleepdom". This is the state that many college students are in, when they are running on only a few hours of sleep and cranking out assignments (or trying to), working, running errands, and trying to plan out the next few days/weeks/months. Yes. That's me. Last night I don't think I was in bed five minutes before thudding into that dark and mysterious land of deep unconscious sleep. And although I was privileged enough to sleep for nearly eight hours, at least half of today I have been walking around in a daze. Tired? I'm not sure if that word sums it up.
Anyway, the point of this post is not to describe my current state. Yes, here I am again in the library, typing away before I must go to orchestra. Tonight we are practicing till nine instead of till eight thirty. At least, I think that's what we are doing. I wouldn't mind if we didn't... because as I said, I'm just maybe a little tired! Tomorrow I will be able to sleep in a little longer than usual, but this week I will not be able to go to bed early.
The past days have been going quite well. Easter weekend (and actually, I didn't realize that it was Easter until Sunday morning) was so fun - Friday night I went to a friend's house, and my older sister, my cousin, the friend, his sisters and myself watched Dr. Who till very late. Did I say late? Well, lets change that to early. To be exact, we didn't arrive at my cousin's house (where Jan and I spent the night) until four o'clock. Yes, that early. Need I describe how fun that was? Let me just say it was a blast. We had pizza, cookies, brownies.... everything unhealthy and terrible. And I probably ate around half of the BBQ chicken & jalepeno pizza. That one was the bomb. Saturday night I went swing dancing with those same people; my cousin, sister and friend.... That also was so much fun, and I forgot how much I enjoyed it. I'll have to make it a point to go back as much as I have time. It's just so worth it to go; I never regret going.
Today was a good day, despite a tiring one! I raced around to get a phone charger, and look for cello music (failing to find anything I liked:/ ), and take Lou to dance class. We also went to the park, where unfortunately, my little charge wet herself at the park, so that was kind of a slight bit of drama in the park. Fortunately, a kind lady that I know from Lou's dance class was at the park with her children, and she stayed with Conrad while Lou and I raced to the car to change her. Nice people are oh so helpful! :)
I'm really looking forward to spring progressing some more... My life has been changing a lot right now, and yet somehow I think the beauty outdoors has been playing a part in keeping me upbeat. Both my nanny jobs will be ending by June or July. My favorite one, with my dear Lou and Conrad, will be ended this month. The other one won't be finished until midway through the summer, but knowing that raises a few questions in my mind. In all, I am at peace with how things are turning out. I'm not sure what the future months will look like - in fact sometimes I have no idea how my life will look in the Fall. I fancy my own ideas sometimes, but I don't know if it will turn out that way. All in all, I shall need to get a job soon. Ideally, in April, to replace the income from my one job. Despite the shaky ground my plans stand upon, I am pleased with how calm I feel. I don't want to get nervous and frantic. It's perfectly fine that everything is going this way... I don't necessarily feel safe about these changes, but I do feel thankful that I have options, and I trust that this shall work out in a way that benefits me, and is good for me.
All that being said, let's move on to a more philosophical concept. I have been thinking a lot about how I am made up of a strange mixture of self-confidence and extremely high self-criticism. In doing well with work and school, I feel confident that I really can do well, and that I am good at certain things. But even so, in a matter of minutes, that attitude about myself can turn into "I'm so terrible! I can't do anything well!" and depression about my self-perceived failures. That attitude can be brought on simply by failing to get a perfect grade on a test, or by having an awkward conversation with someone. I know, it does sound ridiculous right now, but I am working on a theory about well-behaved children. My theory is this: when a parent or parents work super hard at trying to make their child be the most well-behaved, or be the best in school, music, sports or anything else, the child often grows up to never feel good enough in all he does. I'll try to keep philosophizing about my theory next time (if I remember!) but I must go to orchestra practice now! Good luck to me! Hopefully I'll stay awake through it all, and hopefully my amusing fellow cellists (mainly Tyler) will talk to me! :)
To be continued.....
