Chasing the Magic: January 2015

There's too much heartbreak in the world. Even as I deal with my own heartache day after day, my heart reaches out over and over for all the ones around me who are hurting. And yet I am silent. The days pass by, and I work myself hard, so that I am so tired that I don't even have any energy to cry myself to sleep. I try to grow, recover, laugh... And I succeed. I laugh, I smile at everyone. But that's all I do. On new years day my friend S.M.'s boyfriend broke up with her, and her dog died. And I saw her pain, and I saw and felt the ache that she felt, and likely still feels. And I did nothing. I'm sorry, I whispered to her... But didn't know what else to say. Different of my coworkers have bad days, and I smile, try to get them to laugh, because I want, oh, so desperately, for them to be happy... I don't want them to cry, I don't want them to ache. And what do I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The young lady I replaced in the deli now works in the cafe here. She has a small daughter, and she isn't but a young woman herself. I sat here at one of the cafe tables to eat my lunch, and I saw her go up and talk with two of the middle aged women she works with in the cafe, and she was crying. She had been on lunch, then she left. And I wanted to cry with her. I don't know what was wrong, but my heart ached. Oh A... don't cry, don't cry, please, may I give you a hug? I love you, A. I think you're so beautiful... Please don't cry, I know it hurts, but its going to be okay... But no. I look away, then watch silently as she walks to her cry, her face crumpled and tears falling from her downturned eyes. Why don't I do something? With everyone, with /everyone/, I do nothing. My friends and coworkers ache, they /need/, and I do nothing to help, I do nothing to fill that need. I feel so needy myself, yet what I do have, love, I don't even offer. What a failure I am at this...