Thankfulness and Other small? Matters

 I love traditions. Especially the family ones, that happen every year, like Thanksgiving at my Grandmama's - and birthday party campouts - and the talent show - and camp - and staying up till past midnight on the last day of the year - and getting a treat for each of the children once they learn how to read - I just love those traditions. I love relishing the joy of family, and being able to expect and look forward to those traditions every year.

I am thankful for small children, so cute and sweet...

I am thankful for family gathering together and having a blast...

 I am thankful for photogenic sisters and babies...

 

I am thankful for individual personalities, and I am thankful for my only brother - such a wonderful brother he is.

I am thankful for the best of uncles, who is always so helpful and kind. And fun to be around. <3

I am thankful for a baby sister, who proudly believes in herself and says she can do things, like pull her second cousins around in the wagon. "I can do it too, Baba!"

I am thankful for having fun.

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 This year my family didn't go to my Grandmama's for the traditional Thanksgiving day full of fun. I felt some sadness, perhaps, at missing out on fun filled family traditions, but I enjoyed the day anyways. It was a good day, full of a few small family traditions, and of course, good food and company. :) Nothing is better than family. <3

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I am thankful for stovetops which make for easy cooking, and I'm thankful for little sisters who have tons of personality!

I am thankful for little siblings to help out and make baking/cooking SO much more fun.

I am thankful for missing teeth, and other random cuteness....

I'm thankful for sisters I can relate to, and have fun with, and play games with... And cook with!

I'm thankful for sisters who cut the onions for me! ;)

I'm thankful for getting together with family who I've not seen for a while.

I'm thankful for fried onions. xD

I'm thankful for elder sisters... especially elder sisters who can bake...

Even though I don't look like I am, I am thankful for turkey, and knives!

I'm thankful for enthusiasm.

And thriftiness.

I am thankful for beautiful sisters who I can photograph...

And thankful for giant desert plates. xD

I'm thankful for Dad's humor, and Michael's as well.

I'm thankful for special gifts, from Mom...

And I'm thankful for family.

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Even with all that being said, and with all the pictures showing so many happy faces, I was reminded of the great blessings that I and so many others have here. We have family, and the ability to create traditions, and money for special Thanksgiving Day food, and a warm home to have them in. Some of us have even much more than that. That evening, my family watched The Dropbox together. If you have never seen that movie, you definitely should. It is an extremely moving one. There were several quotes that made me tear up. Words you don't hear every day, that you don't want to hear, that you don't expect to hear.

A nurse at the hospital: Why are you crying? It’s only an orphan.

Dad of disabled child: I hope she dies before me because there is no one to take care of her after I die.

Pastor: If I don’t do something to help, I could be picking up dead babies off the street.

There were 204 abandoned babies in 2013.

“Either way, my life will be over so I want to kill myself and my baby.”

 The movie created such an ache in my soul. Unwanted children, because of their genetic makeup, or because the culture would make it so difficult to keep the child.... deserted on the streets, abandoned, given away, flushed down the toilet, even. It is so horrible that it's almost unbelievable. I hate to say it because I can empathize with the desperation that the mother feels, but it's selfishness in it's greatest to abandon a helpless child in the open streets.

At one point in the movie, a Korean police officer was touring the camera crew through the raining city. "And here we found the dead body of a baby..." and another place: "A neighbour heard the sound of a crying cat, and came out to find a baby lying here. A little bit longer, and he would've frozen to death. It doesn't always turn out this way."

But that one quote, the one where the nurse said, "Why are you crying? It's only an orphan." I couldn't believe she said that. There had been a baby who died, and the one (missionary) lady interviewed in the movie had been there, and frantically tried to help the baby... but the head nurse scolded her for taking the baby from one of the other nurses, and said it. It's only an orphan.

It.

Only. 

Orphan....

 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

~James 1:27

Gesù nostro Vittoria

The days move along fast, too fast to really understand everything. I try to focus, try to keep my gaze on the important, on my life focal point. Some days my eyes lose that focus, and haze creeps around my path. Some days struggles still swallow up the victory, and hard times outweigh the happy ones. Worries threaten to cloud the sky, and I feel the mocking laughter of invisible foes around me. Hours turn into days, and days turn into weeks. And life keeps on moving, too fast, too fast. Choices I made in the past that pushed my convictions further than I wanted, emotions that blinded me of truth; so many unhealthy decisions that I wish I could go back and change. Each new day I take a deep breath, lift my head, and begin again. I can't undo the past, I tell myself, but I can make the best decision that I know for the future. And each mistake gives me at least a small bit of wisdom.

Gradually, gradually, I find truth in the fact that I don't have to be trapped. Slowly, slowly, I accept my freedom and make small scary steps outside of the prison cell of obligation and fear.

Paradoxes weave their way around my life, through my life. With surprising calm, I made the decision I had been fearing for months. Fear had my heart, but fearlessly I tackled the things that needed done.  Trust always came so easily for me, yet in the area that I needed it most -with God- fear could not let go. And selfishness tints every single area in my life. In fact, self is always behind every wrong thought and action in my heart, and is the reason for every problem in my life. Self still seems much like it's the center of my life, even though I have given up my self for the Lord of Light to come inside me. Imperfection blots out every good thing in me, I tell myself, and inside I know even my good deeds come from a selfish heart. Resolutely I cling to Jesus, knowing that I can't fix myself and make myself better - I can't answer all the paradoxes, and I can't purify myself. Instead I refuse to allow myself to even listen to any thought that doubts God's love for me and considers alternative thoughts that God has deserted me, that I'm just not good enough. Consistently I refuse to let myself run to others every time a problem thunks itself down in my path. Go to God, I tell myself... He alone can fix your problems and provide an answer. He alone can comfort you as a true Father, and He alone will never let you down. Trust, trust, trust.... Just let yourself go, and trust! All will be made well in time, and even if you never see the purpose and the whole picture in this life, the next life will provide all the answers... God Himself will be there, and you'll dance in oneness with the church's Groom. So don't doubt, only trust. He will always be faithful.

The days move on, going so fast I wonder how to keep up. Worries try to wrap their fingers around my heart... money dilemmas, family difficulties, friendship stresses, future uncertainties... I feel so weak against the current, but I close my eyes to the current of worries pressing against me and focus beyond, onward and upward. Keep my focus, God, keep my focus. Satan whispers discouraging sentences in my ear, daring me to contradict him. "You know, you're not actually that good of a Christian, you know that, right? Yeah... I mean, you don't pray that much - I mean, wow, you used to pray half an hour every day! You'd schedule it, check it off your list! Now, I mean, well, you know you were better off then. And I shouldn't even mention Bible reading, should I? Yeah, cause we all know you don't read as much as before... Yeah, it's a good day if you even get one chapter read! I think you were probably a better Christian when you were rushing through those Through the Bible in a Year programs, or even the times when you read two chapters every single day, keeping that checklist, as I was saying before..." His voice goes on and on, nonstop. With one focus, I must stop up my ears, as Christian did in Pilgrim's Progress, and refuse to hear his words. The moment I begin to consider whether they're true or not, downward I spiral, into depression. If the thoughts build me up and encourage me to better living, then I know they're words I should listen to. But if they push me downward, downward... I must not listen. They're meant to kill and destroy my soul, and I must keep my focus.

And so I calm the raging storm inside my soul and straighten my shoulders. God is so good, I remind myself. And I move on. Keep myself busy, for as old housewives used to say, "Empty hands are the devil's workshop." Some days consist of holding and soothing a cranky baby, tea parties with a four year old who needs change my name for every game we play("I believe you should be Laurie.[...] Actually, let's change it to Ryrie Heartbreak. How are you doing, Ryrie Heartbreak? Hm, shall we change it to Julia now? CapCap... Ellie... Ella... Or how about Buster? I like Buster, do you like Buster?"), jogging the mile loop around my house, saying goodbye to best friends, tea parties and sleepovers with some of the best girls I've ever gotten to know, selfies, music, the making of sourdough bread; and some days consist of troublesome things, like trying to fix car problems, sore throats, headaches and dealing with people problems. Some days are simply a mix of random combinations.

There are days I've taken more than I can give,
And there are choices that I've made that I wouldn't make again.
I've had my share of laughter, of tears and troubled times.
This has been the story of my life.
I have won, and I have lost. I got it right and sometimes I did not.
Life's been a journey; I've seen joy, I've seen regret...
Oh and you have been my God through all of it.
You were there when it all came down on me,
When I was blinded by my fear, and I struggled to believe,
But in those unclear moments, you were the One keeping me strong.
This is how my story's always gone...
I have won, I have lost. I got it right and sometimes I did not.
Life's been a journey, I've seen joy, I've seen regret...
Oh and you have been my God through all of it, through all of it.
[...]
I look back, and I see You....
[...]

Seems sometimes that that song is descriptive of my life... But even as there are unclear moments, difficult journeys, laughter and tears, somehow I can always come back to the absolute fact that God IS, and just as He IS, he also has all the strength that I ever need to live! More than enough strength for me and every other person ever created and yet to be created. He is a great God, a very great God. And I smile as the lyrics go through my head... Don't give up [...] because you are loved. And I wish to sing that to every person I meet. Life is hell. But there is a force stronger than hell, which gives us victory.

"Everybody has a home team: It's the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It's the people who, near or far, know everything that's wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they're at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people."
~Shauna Niequist

"But today, driving along, I saw like a shaft of pure light, not answers, but Jesus. Jesus, who did not explain life's hardships, but entered into them! He did not do away with death, but He entered into death. He went everywhere we might have to go in our experience of darkness and fear, pain, dread, disappointment; and made space for us there in those places as the Living Victorious Presence, Immanuel. I remembered the astounding conversation between the Lord, Isaiah and King Ahaz in Isaiah 7:10-14:
The Lord(to King Ahaz): 'Ask a sign for yourself from the Lord your God; make it as deep as Sheol or as high as heaven.'
King Ahaz: 'I will not ask, nor will I test the Lord.'
The Lord: 'Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign [that is AS DEEP AS SHEOL AND AS HIGH AS HEAVEN] Behold, a virgin will be with child and bear a son, and she will call His name Immanuel.'

"Immanuel! Jesus! God with us not only in the fluffly happy heights but also in the deeoest darkest depths. No wonder Paul prayed so fervently that the eyes of our hearts could be really opened to see what we have in Christ. Jesus spoke in His hardest darkest hours of peace and joy that was so sufficient there was enough for Himself and to give away. He was not a victim. He was surrendered in love, but that is far, far different from being a victim. He struggled, He sweat drops of blood, He groaned with deepest agony, as we also have reason to do in the hour of darkness. But he was never forced into the corner the thief and the destroyer had hoped for - and Life and Love won.
And so in these days, though a wall of dread or darkness may be pushing on your door, DO NOT OPEN IT; do your very best to open only to Jesus, our Life, our Hope, our Strength when we are so weak. Worship Him as the Author of Life, the Victorious One. When you are tossed about in all the present uncertainty, in the storm of these threats to your home and future, hold fast to our Immanuel and His prevailing strength and calm."