It's strange how normalcy can creep up on me again. I have been home for only nearly six days and five nights, and the regularity of home life has already surrounded me. I wake up in the morning and nothing has changed. Nights I toss and turn, turbulent dreams that I do not remember once morning comes tease my consciousness. The breeze of the fan in my room (the room I do not have to share with anyone at this present time) causes my hair to tickle my face. I wake and get myself ready for the day. I brush my teeth. Get a shower. Put on clean clothes. Brush my hair. Put it back in a braid, ponytail or an up-do. Straighten my bushy eyebrows. Have breakfast made. Pray the normal thank-you-God prayer. Eat. Get PatttJo to work on the school she's behind in. Take the children outside. Work. Keep busy. Forget. Forget...
Oh, its so easy to forget, and I find myself doing it all the time. It's normalcy, that's what it is. I'm getting used to the life I'm living, and that's scary. I forget... I forget to read my bible. I forget to smile big and laugh deeply and throw my arms heavenward and say a big THANK YOU to God. I forget to pray. I forget to count how many blessings I have, and to thank God for each and every one of them. I forget to grab each of my wonderful siblings into a big hug and say "Goodmorning!" I forget to be happy, because I'm busy. I'm busy with normal life, and used to the routine life I live. Every day there's something to do, and every day I am doing something. Oh, I'm not a bad person... I know that. I am more kind than I am harsh (but I'm still harsh), I'm more gentle than I am rough (but I'm still rough), I'm more pleasant and patient than I am unpleasant and impatient (but I'm still unpleasant and impatient), I sing more than I yell (but I still yell), I curb my temper more than I give in to it (but I still give in to it)...
Basically, when I measure myself in the scales, I'm still found wanting. I still look at myself and say, "Joelle... Ah Joelle. You can't stop growing. You're never good enough to stop moving forward. You've never learned enough that you can stop looking to God. It's a constant journey, Joelle, and if you don't want to become overwhelmed in the normalcy, in the constant commotion of life, in the confusion, you must keep onward and keep looking at the Author and Finisher of our race."
It's strange how normalcy can creep up on me again... And I don't even notice it. My day is filled with minutes... And I wonder what I spend my minutes on... good, or evil? Oh, I know I'm not an evil person... Right? Huh... I should know, though, that there is no such thing as evil; there is only an absence of good. And can I truly say there is no moment in my day where I have an absence of good? Just a thought...
...it's strange how normalcy can creep up on me again....
