Words Filtered from a Silent Heart

If I were to wait for an opportune time to begin this blog post, you would not be reading this right now. Thoughts have been formulating in my mind for some time, now, and often while I patrol my beautiful school campus during the red eye shifts of the night, I think of the words I wish to write. Words, words, words. So utterly meaningless, yet also so very amazing. I'm sure you know I love pictures; I often intersperse my blog posts with pictures. But do you know that I love words - that I eat, sleep and breath them? Somehow, words contain such possibilities to ignite peace, love, hope, faith and confidence inside my soul. The right word, rightly spoken, at the right time, creates a strength I didn't know I was capable of, and I keep on.

"I love you, you know that?" ~Rachel, my altogether-too-mature 14-yr-old Amish friend and bakery coworker....

"You're such a goofball." ~said lovingly, appreciatively, by numerous people;

"If I don't tell you [a secret], I tell no one. [...] 

You may read my [private] journal, I'm not afraid for you to see my thoughts. You are privacy." ~my special Patty-Jo-buddy-girl <3

"You know what? I really like you! I'm looking forward to getting to know you! [...] We're somewhat alike!" ~Laura

Words always mean a lot to me, especially when coupled by actions or a kind physical touch. Nowadays, it has been normal for me to go for days without physical contact with another person, or for someone to say my name aloud. Most days it goes hours before I need to speak, or before someone is even around for me to speak to. I believe those are some of the things I miss the most from living at home, that I never expected. Hugs, hugs, hugs.... and hearing my name! I knew I'd be lonely here on my school campus, but I am learning new levels of loneliness. It's not all terrible, and I don't mean to make it sound such. I am learning to relish the silence, and find comfort in stillness. There is such a beauty in the ache of loneliness. If that sounds wrong to you, I do admit that perhaps it is a twisted perspective. Even so, I see my Jesus in the wilderness, drawing near to our Father in the silence, the stillness, and I draw comfort from Jesus having his times of loneliness.

 
 Music, when soft voices die,
Vibrates in the memory—
Odours, when sweet violets sicken,
Live within the sense they quicken.
Rose leaves, when the rose is dead,
Are heaped for the belovèd's bed;
And so thy thoughts, when thou art gone,
Love itself shall slumber on.
~Shelley

There is a lot that has been going through my mind as of late, some of which I am not sure how to put into words. Struggles with understanding God, and with seeing Him in the midst of this crazy life, questions of how to grow closer to the God whom I worship, respect and love, and how I should think of Him... This Creator God bewilders me, my friends, and I need to know Him better.

In my weekly wanderings, I have been experiencing a wide variety of happenings. Dance class has been going excellently, and work has been delightful, although sometimes extremely drowsy. Most of my work schedule is during the red eye shifts, midnight to eight a.m., so during the day I try to get sleep. Weekends are rather tough because I work very long day hours, and that combined with being used to sleeping all day makes me very tired. This past weekend I managed to get nine hours of sleep in a 75 hour time period. You can imagine how deeply I slept today. I only woke up once from 8am-6pm, and usually when I sleep during the day, I sleep lightly and wake up periodically! Tonight is another eight hour red eye shift, but I'm looking forward to that. I enjoy walking over campus in the dark, and especially from five to six a.m., because the sky looks simply beautiful as the sun rises.

These words, my heart, my heart.... These words are the essence of my feelings right now. A simple, open, free questioning; simple acceptance.

i am a man and i must die
at most my years a century
a whisp of cloud, who in the sky
a weeping vapor fades and flees
i am a man and i will fly
not caged by mortal canopy
nor as eternal stars that lie
reflected in night's starry eaves
i wonder if they weary grow
of watching the galactic flow
that through the eons burn and glow
in mysteries that shadows know
what a relief, with open hands
to lie my heavy burdens down
to pass the fiery, burning brand
to younger men, a newer crown
when i am gone weep not for me
the stormy skies in melody
the thunder holds in harmony
they sing their songs, and i am free.
 ~felicia yoder

And I am free....

It seems that I often will feel one of four emotions about life: either a bleak apathy, a eager passion, a bitter and fearsome hatred, or a open acceptance. Right now as I move on and keep marching forward as best I can, I am simply being. Accepting life as it is, accepting the good, the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. It comes back to words again... not simply any words, not empty words, but the real words of the heart - the poetry of life. There is a poetry in our souls, one we must be sure to take notice of. Sometimes the poetry is a weary and sad sonnet, other times it is one of peace or vibrant happiness. The poetry in our hearts reverberates against the poetry of the world and touches the poetry in the people surrounding us. Sometimes our poetry affects others, and sometimes others poetry affects us. There are times that our poetry is not reflective of the poetry in God and nature... there are times that others with dark poetry in their hearts surround us, and we believe things about life and ourselves that are wrong. If that is you, love, let me tell you, turn your face to the sun and see the light! There is a poetry of light and truth, higher and more pure than any dark and heavy poetry surrounding you now.

Listen, in the silence you can hear it now.

~

Do not stand at my grave and weep:
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starshine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry:
I am not there; I did not die.
 ~Mary Elizabeth Frye

~


I have been one acquainted with the night...

On Matters of Self-Care

“Miss, how do you dress with so much style?”

“Miss, you smell so good.”

“Miss, can you sit by me for supper?”

Children are the best at cheering me up when I've had a hard day. I love the way they call me “miss”, or more often, “misses”. Some things about them can make me sad, like Danny giving me the cold shoulder, or when I know of a particular problem a child is going through, but for the most part, their genuine honesty brings a smile to my face.

“Are you a teacher? You don't look like a teacher! You look like one of us! You look like you're twelve. Hey, you need to put away your phone – only teachers are allowed to have their phones here!” ~ Dominique

~

Lately I have questioned my intent for social work. I've asked myself if I should be trying to help people when I burn out so easily. Because actually, I've been burning out. I've had some rough weeks, and I'm finally feeling up to writing about it. But this time, I won't be giving answers. With all of my writing, I've always had a quick and almost apologetic answer to all the questions and struggles in my heart, but never have I voiced what I've seen of the sadness of living without some philosophical and trite solution. So this time, no philosophical answers, no trite sayings. Because when it comes down to it, there are no answers that satisfy. There are no words that can fix the pain. And yes, I shall say pain. I shall say struggles. I shall say horrible, wretched, miserable. I won't downplay it, or explain it away, because what I've seen, experienced, and know to be true in my life or in so many others' lives is that life is horrible, wretched and miserable. People die. Children are abused, hurt, get brutally sick. Infants are murdered, women are raped and abused. Those who are too weak to stand up against injustice bear the brunt of unspeakable treatment. Hurt, insecurity and pain can be found in nearly every heart. Injustice and evil are the hands behind the chess pieces, and I bitterly hate that fact.

I won't apologize for being dramatic – because I'm not being dramatic. You could accuse me of being serious, but I don't believe I'm over-emphasizing the chaos our world is in at all. My words seem dramatic in writing, but in reality, as I think them I am incredibly calm. Not angry, not depressed. Just awfully quiet and still.

The worst thing about it is, I can't fix it. I can hardly even help. I feel the pain of humanity, and I can only cry for them, with them. And scream, please, please, it just isn't fair, it isn't right!

~

“Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die. You gotta get up and try, try, try...”

~

Music has a way of wording what I want to say. Sometimes I am stunned by the accuracy of some lyrics. Music is one of those good things in my life that makes me feel stronger, and I can straighten myself a little while knowing that others feel what I've felt, and I can keep on.

Dancing has a way of setting the world right again.

“There are shortcuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them.”

There was a book I was especially fond of, once. Science fiction, it was, and there were three characters that came into the story halfway through. Each of those three represented something important; one was words, I believe, and the other I think might have been passion, or love, or music; but the third I loved especially. She was the mistress of dance. And there was something she said that stuck with me. The exact words have eluded me by now, but she said that dancing represents unity, and when a man and a woman dance together, being unified in spirit, it's the most beautiful thing in the world. I like to imagine the whole creation dancing, constellations and trees, and water and air all dancing in unity. I wish for there to be full unity, but to believe it to be true at this point in time would be naivety. I believe God wants for His creation to all dance together in unity, but it isn't so, and instead, cacophony reigns.

~

When I began writing this, I meant for it to be mainly on self-care. In all of dealing with trouble and managing stress, self-care is one of the most important things to be on top of. That comes naturally to some, but I'm finding that a lot of people who desire to help others are really bad at taking care of themselves. That's true for me. I find myself pretending that I'm fine until I'm nearly burnt out. Or, totally burnt out. Even then, I have a hard time admitting that I'm burnt out. It's funny. Usually it comes out in the form of “I'm tired,” or “I have a head ache.” Self care doesn't really come easy to me. I have been doing better about making sure I get enough sleep, or at least in that I don't make rash decisions when I'm really tired and discouraged. Getting enough sleep is the only thing I consistently do for myself. That is, consistent as in several nights a week.

There was one time I was especially low a week or two ago that I treated myself to a dairy-free, caffeine-free frappuccino from Starbucks. Then I went out shopping, treating myself to several outfits after several months of not buying clothes. That was a particularly rough day, and even though I didn't fully cheer myself up, I feel good about how I tried to take care of myself. Generally speaking, though, I try to refrain from buying stuff for myself as therapy - look where it left poor Mrs. Lincoln! (That being said, I can identify with her so much better now than a few years ago, for several reasons!)

I mentioned already how children can cheer me so when I'm down, and it's true. Giving, serving, and taking care of others has such a large part to play in my own self care. It's strange, but somehow in giving and serving I get the strength, energy and joy of which I had been so low. It's not that they do anything special, but I think a big part of it is that they are so happy and cheerful when their lives certainly aren't the best. Also, once I get my mind off myself and my own problems, my discouragement dwindles to it's proper size – nil.

I'm about sure you could guess the last way I practice self-care. Yes, dancing! I don't know about you, but I feel better when I'm dancing! All the way! Because dancing makes the world a better place.

Feeling incredibly sleepy, till next time, guys.

*Fistbump*

Keep rocking it!

Music, and runOn sEntanceS, relatinG to the enD of thIs, SpriNg, seMesTer.

[THIS - to be listened to, if you please, during the reading of this piece EDIT: apparently won't play for you guys. Sorry. ^.^ EDIT 2: Although it might play if you enter your gmail id...]

Quiet. All quiet.

It isn't till I'm not alone anymore that I realize - I haven't spoken all day. The weekend, full of sleeping and hopeful recovery, causes a different sort of weariness than the week, full of studying, writing, running and working, does. One thing has been constant - or, perhaps, two; sleep, and hibiscus tea. One cannot fail to appreciate hibiscus tea when one has a love affair with StudioC's bisque~man - not-james-perry. I believe I have drunk at least three cups today, and I mean to drink more. Also, about a quarter cup of honey is also digested, thanks to yours truly. Besides the hibiscus tea and sleeping a lot, I have not done much. In an obligatory sort of way, I've thrice traveled down to the chickens, feeling like some sort of powerful matriarch bringing the clucking hens their food, and chasing them back inside their pens. That feeling of powerfulness quickly changed to a responsible-and-sad-mother-kind-of-feeling when I noticed two crushed eggs on the floor of the coop. (Mum told me later that those chickens sometimes do dumb things, and lay their eggs on the roost. So after that, I didn't feel quite so much like a bad chicken-mother.) Also, I spent some time on the hammock - a first for this year. And in keeping with me building my child-like character, I followed the urge to go swing on the swingset. Until I got cold, then I ran inside. Or, shall we say, languidly walked.

Since I was sleeping all day yesterday, I stayed up late last night, finishing my PowerPoint on the Muslim holiday Eid-al-Adha. I think it isn't that bad of a presentation... now I only hope I get a good grade for it. I take nothing less than A's. Oh. Well. That brings up the subject of school and this fall. Well, that is the plan - to go through both of those things, school and fall, at the same time. Scary would probably not be a strong enough word for the feeling that enters my mind, heart and soul. Yes, I am terrified. Tis true that many people believe in me. Actually, I've been told by quite a few people already that I am really smart. And yet, even now, with getting (so far) very good grades this semester, and with receiving a "superior academic scholarship" for school, I can hardly believe that this is true, that this is happening to me! A scholarship? For that much? It's by no means a big enough scholarship to cover all my tuition; not even half. But it was a surprise, because I didn't expect to receive that much. Also, I believe that for some time I looked at my SAT scores (and to be sure, I cannot abide tests, and I do not approve of them) as not so good. Can you guess why? It's actually kind of amusing to see this recurring thread in my thought process. I'll tell you why. It's because they weren't perfect. And.... for some reason, I thought that if they weren't at least as high as my dear older sister's, then, well, of course I wasn't smart! This seems to be my thoughts about quite a few areas in my life. If I'm just not perfect, then I somehow am unable to honestly judge whether I've done good or bad. Because, somehow, "bad" is everything below perfect.

It's a nice feeling to relish the thought that maybe I am just a little bit intelligent. I don't think about it very much, because classes and semesters much more difficult loom in my horizon, and even though my confidence in my ability is growing, I know I'm not above failure. To be sure, there is some excitement for the Fall semester. Excitement, yes, and terror. I eagerly await the challenge, yet I also fear not being able to keep my grades up. But enough of that. I shall be able to do so, and I shall be able to pay for my education. I shall harbor no doubts, because doubts lead to worry, and worrying is no good thing to do.

Some dear memories to share concerning my quite interesting, beautiful and difficult F&M orchestra experience:

Of course, there were individual orchestra members who contained such personALity, and I so enjoyed laughing at them behind my usually stoic face. All the cello section were made of lovely folk, and there ten of us. I never talked to anyone, tis true, besides my stand partner, and two of the other ladies in the back row, but that is not something I regret. I find it very difficult to start a conversation with young people, and I have a hard time changing that.

Also, there is one practice night that is deeply embedded in my mind. It was a thunderstormy night, and when I came into the Barshinger center, it was not raining, but as we got down to practicing Tchaikovsky's 1812 piece, the thunder boomed along with our canon-replicating drums. The roof leaked right above the bass section, behind us cellos, and they had to relocate in order to keep out of the drips. It was such a thunderstormy kind of night, so cozy and storybook-ish inside the Barshinger center as we practiced our thunderous music.

The Common Hour concert happened to be an interesting one. It was raining then, too, and I didn't know where I was going. After struggling to find parking, I lugged my cello, umbrella-less, across the F&M campus, until I found the proper building. Fortunately, I was not so late that I caused a disruption, which I was thankful about, because I do not like to be disrupting.

~~~

In closing, I wish to speak shortly about my financial situation. I do believe that I am going to make it. I have not found a suitable replacement job, but I have found a part time babysitting job that might work well when coupled with other work. I also may hear back from several other people who need a babysitter/nanny. I'm on care.com, and I've applied to numerous families. I'm not panicking, to be sure. There is one other option that I'm waiting to hear back about, also. I know that my job situation shall change from time to time, and I have come to terms with that quite well. My savings are slowly dwindling, thanks to taxes and such, but I'm not too worried. It shall all work out with time.

Yours truly,

Joelle

P.S. I have just finished listening to the audio book "Daddy Long-Legs". Honestly, that may be my very favorite book. I simply love the main character, because her letters are so awesomely full of character, and it is just such a beautiful story! You should definitely pick it up someday, to read. It is definitely worth your time, if you can swallow fiction.

P.P.S. I wanted to include some pictures, but I didn't really get around to it. My apologies! I shall do so next time, hopefully!!

P.P.P.S. I am greatly looking forward for this summer (except for the fact that my good friend is going off and leaving me AGAIN) because we plan to have many a picnic, beach trip, good times, AND, there is camp to look forward to, as well as a quite awesome road trip with some of my dear sisters. These things shall come to pass faster than we may think! Time be flying! Wait to hear from me!!

A Conglomeration of Thoughts Written While In Sleep-dom

You know what boredom is. We all feel bored some time or another, but lately I've been feeling what I call "sleepdom". This is the state that many college students are in, when they are running on only a few hours of sleep and cranking out assignments (or trying to), working, running errands, and trying to plan out the next few days/weeks/months. Yes. That's me. Last night I don't think I was in bed five minutes before thudding into that dark and mysterious land of deep unconscious sleep. And although I was privileged enough to sleep for nearly eight hours, at least half of today I have been walking around in a daze. Tired? I'm not sure if that word sums it up.

Anyway, the point of this post is not to describe my current state. Yes, here I am again in the library, typing away before I must go to orchestra. Tonight we are practicing till nine instead of till eight thirty. At least, I think that's what we are doing. I wouldn't mind if we didn't... because as I said, I'm just maybe a little tired! Tomorrow I will be able to sleep in a little longer than usual, but this week I will not be able to go to bed early.

The past days have been going quite well. Easter weekend (and actually, I didn't realize that it was Easter until Sunday morning) was so fun - Friday night I went to a friend's house, and my older sister, my cousin, the friend, his sisters and myself watched Dr. Who till very late. Did I say late? Well, lets change that to early. To be exact, we didn't arrive at my cousin's house (where Jan and I spent the night) until four o'clock. Yes, that early. Need I describe how fun that was? Let me just say it was a blast. We had pizza, cookies, brownies.... everything unhealthy and terrible. And I probably ate around half of the BBQ chicken & jalepeno pizza. That one was the bomb. Saturday night I went swing dancing with those same people; my cousin, sister and friend.... That also was so much fun, and I forgot how much I enjoyed it. I'll have to make it a point to go back as much as I have time. It's just so worth it to go; I never regret going.

Today was a good day, despite a tiring one! I raced around to get a phone charger, and look for cello music (failing to find anything I liked:/ ), and take Lou to dance class. We also went to the park, where unfortunately, my little charge wet herself at the park, so that was kind of a slight bit of drama in the park. Fortunately, a kind lady that I know from Lou's dance class was at the park with her children, and she stayed with Conrad while Lou and I raced to the car to change her. Nice people are oh so helpful! :)

I'm really looking forward to spring progressing some more... My life has been changing a lot right now, and yet somehow I think the beauty outdoors has been playing a part in keeping me upbeat. Both my nanny jobs will be ending by June or July. My favorite one, with my dear Lou and Conrad, will be ended this month. The other one won't be finished until midway through the summer, but knowing that raises a few questions in my mind. In all, I am at peace with how things are turning out. I'm not sure what the future months will look like - in fact sometimes I have no idea how my life will look in the Fall. I fancy my own ideas sometimes, but I don't know if it will turn out that way. All in all, I shall need to get a job soon. Ideally, in April, to replace the income from my one job. Despite the shaky ground my plans stand upon, I am pleased with how calm I feel. I don't want to get nervous and frantic. It's perfectly fine that everything is going this way... I don't necessarily feel safe about these changes, but I do feel thankful that I have options, and I trust that this shall work out in a way that benefits me, and is good for me.

All that being said, let's move on to a more philosophical concept. I have been thinking a lot about how I am made up of a strange mixture of self-confidence and extremely high self-criticism. In doing well with work and school, I feel confident that I really can do well, and that I am good at certain things. But even so, in a matter of minutes, that attitude about myself can turn into "I'm so terrible! I can't do anything well!" and depression about my self-perceived failures. That attitude can be brought on simply by failing to get a perfect grade on a test, or by having an awkward conversation with someone. I know, it does sound ridiculous right now, but I am working on a theory about well-behaved children. My theory is this: when a parent or parents work super hard at trying to make their child be the most well-behaved, or be the best in school, music, sports or anything else, the child often grows up to never feel good enough in all he does. I'll try to keep philosophizing about my theory next time (if I remember!) but I must go to orchestra practice now! Good luck to me! Hopefully I'll stay awake through it all, and hopefully my amusing fellow cellists (mainly Tyler) will talk to me! :)

To be continued.....

You Really Want My Bed of Roses?

Yes, it's Monday again. Was it Mondays that I decided to write a blog post? I can't remember. Well, anyway, it's been about a week, and I have to admit, last week was really crazy. This week should be better, with Spring break (even though I still work - 4 days instead of 3 days this week! And also orchestra practice goes as normal. F&M's Spring break is next week.... :/). In all though, my week was pretty super. I had a great time at orchestra practice Monday, and school has been going well. My brownies for Wednesday night Bible study turned out pretty good, and I enjoyed spending time with my church family! They are so awesome. This week I also helped out with my Human Trafficking class' service project, which was really awesome. We were creating gift bags for thirty ladies who are prostitutes, or who work in strip bars and massage parlors, etc. We had such fun Thursday during class filling the bags with candy and makeup and such.... I love my class and I loved working with them.

Also, Friday I attended my dear friend Sammie's bridal shower. She is such a sweet and awesome person, and I'm so glad I know her. :D I will be in her wedding this April... So excited for that. :)

Friday night I slept over at the house of some of the most awesome and fun people I know... I always eat well when I'm there! :) I of course stayed up late talking with Linda... and the next day I drove to Elizabethtown to attend a workshop on understanding people who live in poverty. It was a very good workshop, and I feel like I will be able to use that information in my work with inner city kids.

Volunteering at The Mix at Arbor Place has been going well. I love working there, and I love the kids. Especially the younger kids, but I want to work with the older kids too. Right now it feels strange working with highschoolers because I still feel so young, even though I'll be twenty in about five months.... I guess it's cause I look so young, and perhaps because of what one of Zach's brothers said to me two years ago about looking like I am twelve... I don't think I'll ever forget that! :P

Anyway, I meant to write a philosophical post about the concept of life being a bed of roses. It's very interesting to note how that saying, "Life's not a bed of roses" is actually a false statement. I would argue that life IS a bed of roses! If you think about the rose plant, there's a lot more to the bush than the pretty flowers. Several things came to my mind. One is obvious - there are thorns! And another one - it's not super easy to keep a rose plant alive, especially not at first. Beautiful roses are not simple to grow, and in fact the beautiful roses you see in flower shops are grown in carefully maintained environments. They are just what their name is - hot-house roses!

When we think about this in regards to our lives, it's important to keep a proper perspective. First of all, no one (at least no one I know) looks at a rose bush and says "Oh what a bother this bush is! I don't like roses! They're so full of thorns, and hard to take care of, and I have to cover them in the winter!" No, I don't think that would be a common response. When we think of a rose bush, we think of the roses and the thorns too. Our life is like that rose bush, and if we focus on the difficulties and hardships associated with life, then it's like looking at the rose bush and not noticing all the beautiful blooms. It's like deciding that because the roses only last for a certain amount of time, having a rose garden is not worth it.

Another way to think about it: You know how we look at other people's lives and say, "Wow, they really have it together! They have such a nice and easy life." I think we tend to judge everyone else's lives because we think we would be able to handle their struggles better, or because we simply don't think that they have struggles! That would be like if we would focus only on the rose, and ignore the thorns.

Now I know these aren't perfect examples, but they're something to think about. I like to think of my life as a rose bush, covered with thorns, and sometimes bare of flowers, but cultivated well by my Jesus, so that I can always look forward to the season when the roses bloom!

Peacing out....

-joelle-

Random Pictures From As of Late

 Farm Show, 2016

Finally receiving my diploma after too long of a wait....

 When we hosted Chinese students for the day - these photos from my Diversity class...

Bible Bowl, some Sunday afternoon.

Gingerbeer and exhilaration....

Much snow...

Family... <3

Attending a Deaf church for a school assignment...

PortaBELLa mushroom BISque! Pizenous mushroom BISque! (The pizen is biled out, OBViously!)

More Bible Bowl... :)

 

Choir practice, singing the Messiah!

Parks...

 

Invading a child's playplace in Chik-fil-A for the first time since early childhood...

And ending out with another park picture!

Peacing out..... <3

Scribbles on a Monday Night

As I sit in this slightly comfy chair at Manheim Township Library, it crosses my mind that I should make this a tradition to write a blog post every week before orchestra practice. Well, I should, but I don't like to set anything down in stone, so I won't promise it. It still could be likely, though, that I may post an impromptu bit of scribbles for your consumption every week, since I have library time between work and orchestra. If you wish to post any topic or word in the comments that you would like for me to elaborate on, I will do my best. This could be quite an exciting challenge!

The days of this past week have been long ones. Between work and school and studying, I've been keeping quite the schedule. A birthday party here, a catch-up-with-a-friend day there, and my Saturdays and evenings are quite spent! Just looking in my planner for this week makes me tired! Tonight I have orchestra, as I said, and I won't be home till 9:15. Orchestra has been exceedingly beautiful (despite the awful notes that find their way from our instruments at times), and although I once in a while feel discouraged at my struggle with learning how to play Tschaiskovski, I have been loving every moment of it. Tomorrow after school I start a most exciting and dream come true volunteer job, which shall last for about two and a half hours! It is called the Mix at Arbor Place, and I shall be helping with homework, for now. I'm super excited about it, because I've been longing to be part of an inner city ministry with kids for a long time. And so, that is my Tuesday. Wednesday brings a little bit of a change with work as normal, but then I shall skip orchestra (yes, I did tell my dear Mr. Norcross about my projected vacancy) and go to Wednesday night bible study at church. My small group (and I do love them so) is making supper for the whole Wednesday night bible study, and I am going to make dessert. If you have any ideas, do share them! Otherwise I shall make something like Blueberry cheesecake brownies (since I don't have raspberries. :[ ) or rice krispies... but both of those will require me to buy some ingredients, which I certainly shouldn't spend the money on. If you have ideas, I wouldn't mind hearing them! Comment away! :) That is my Wednesday for you - do you feel tired yet? That's just half the week. Then on Thursday, I'll have a day pretty similar to Tuesday, with school and volunteering at Arbor Place, but then I hope to travel over to Ephrata where I am eager to begin my part of a handbell choir! Friday will be semi-relaxed, only with work and an evening/night spent at one of my bestest friends' house! That pretty much sums up my week, although Saturday I will probably hang out with my friend at her house for a while, before perhaps attending a play (The Sound of Music) that a little girl in my small group is in (she will be the youngest sister - is it Bridgit?) Sundays are busy, too, with church, helping at Bible Bowl, and then choir practice where we are singing the Messiah. Do I sound crazy or what? I think I'm doing too much. :P I ought to be home with my family more. Oh well, Spring break is next week. Then I should be starting on my awful research paper and speeches. :(

Gradually, as the semester moves on, I feel slightly more confident than before. I still struggle with confidence, especially with the assignments that I haven't started on, but as I tackle them, one at a time they seem more doable. By no means do I think that these next assignments will be easy, but I have faith in my ability to do them, and I have even greater faith in God's ability to come through for me and help me to do my very best. He has been so faithful, and I have seen that more and more as I go out of my box. Funny how we don't see God's faithfulness as much when we stay in the "safe" zone. It's when we jump out on a limb, so to speak, that we can really see God working in our life.

:ALERT: do not try jumping on tree limbs at home. That is not necessarily the kind of limb I'm talking about.

So I ought to wrap this up and trot off to F&M where orchestra is held. I am starting to feel a bit sleepy, but hopefully I'll perk up once the music begins. By the way, the music we are playing is some of the most bEAUtiful classical music I've ever heard! I can't promise that our poor little orchestra will be able to render a philharmonic kind of job on it, or do it justice, but it still is so beautiful. If you want to make me happy, take me to a proFESSional orchestra who is doing both Rimsky-Korsakov's "Sheharazade", and Tschaikovski's 1812 orchestra piece. Then I can smile serenely at all the poor cellists playing all those extremely fast and tonal notes in the 1812, and be glad I'm not sitting in their seats! I tell you what, I can't believe that piece is so terribly fast and hard to play. :/ I wish I had help with my notes, because I almost feel like just pretending I'm playing when he changes into the key of five flats (is that bflat?) and smacks a ton of accidentals down on top of us. Ah.... and then we have to play sixteenth notes on top of that. At a fast tempo. :/ Poooooooor me! I'm the worstest cellist of the bunch, but that's okay cause this is making me into such a better one! And my fellow cellists are awesome. :D

There's so much more to say, like about how I like that I see the same light blue colored seden every Monday and Wednesday morning at 7:23 turning right in the opposing traffic at the 741 and 999 junction... and how I have been enjoying my classes, and how so many good things can be found despite the darkness of this life, BUT - it's time for me to leave and go to orchestra!

So adios! Till next time!