Music, and runOn sEntanceS, relatinG to the enD of thIs, SpriNg, seMesTer.

[THIS - to be listened to, if you please, during the reading of this piece EDIT: apparently won't play for you guys. Sorry. ^.^ EDIT 2: Although it might play if you enter your gmail id...]

Quiet. All quiet.

It isn't till I'm not alone anymore that I realize - I haven't spoken all day. The weekend, full of sleeping and hopeful recovery, causes a different sort of weariness than the week, full of studying, writing, running and working, does. One thing has been constant - or, perhaps, two; sleep, and hibiscus tea. One cannot fail to appreciate hibiscus tea when one has a love affair with StudioC's bisque~man - not-james-perry. I believe I have drunk at least three cups today, and I mean to drink more. Also, about a quarter cup of honey is also digested, thanks to yours truly. Besides the hibiscus tea and sleeping a lot, I have not done much. In an obligatory sort of way, I've thrice traveled down to the chickens, feeling like some sort of powerful matriarch bringing the clucking hens their food, and chasing them back inside their pens. That feeling of powerfulness quickly changed to a responsible-and-sad-mother-kind-of-feeling when I noticed two crushed eggs on the floor of the coop. (Mum told me later that those chickens sometimes do dumb things, and lay their eggs on the roost. So after that, I didn't feel quite so much like a bad chicken-mother.) Also, I spent some time on the hammock - a first for this year. And in keeping with me building my child-like character, I followed the urge to go swing on the swingset. Until I got cold, then I ran inside. Or, shall we say, languidly walked.

Since I was sleeping all day yesterday, I stayed up late last night, finishing my PowerPoint on the Muslim holiday Eid-al-Adha. I think it isn't that bad of a presentation... now I only hope I get a good grade for it. I take nothing less than A's. Oh. Well. That brings up the subject of school and this fall. Well, that is the plan - to go through both of those things, school and fall, at the same time. Scary would probably not be a strong enough word for the feeling that enters my mind, heart and soul. Yes, I am terrified. Tis true that many people believe in me. Actually, I've been told by quite a few people already that I am really smart. And yet, even now, with getting (so far) very good grades this semester, and with receiving a "superior academic scholarship" for school, I can hardly believe that this is true, that this is happening to me! A scholarship? For that much? It's by no means a big enough scholarship to cover all my tuition; not even half. But it was a surprise, because I didn't expect to receive that much. Also, I believe that for some time I looked at my SAT scores (and to be sure, I cannot abide tests, and I do not approve of them) as not so good. Can you guess why? It's actually kind of amusing to see this recurring thread in my thought process. I'll tell you why. It's because they weren't perfect. And.... for some reason, I thought that if they weren't at least as high as my dear older sister's, then, well, of course I wasn't smart! This seems to be my thoughts about quite a few areas in my life. If I'm just not perfect, then I somehow am unable to honestly judge whether I've done good or bad. Because, somehow, "bad" is everything below perfect.

It's a nice feeling to relish the thought that maybe I am just a little bit intelligent. I don't think about it very much, because classes and semesters much more difficult loom in my horizon, and even though my confidence in my ability is growing, I know I'm not above failure. To be sure, there is some excitement for the Fall semester. Excitement, yes, and terror. I eagerly await the challenge, yet I also fear not being able to keep my grades up. But enough of that. I shall be able to do so, and I shall be able to pay for my education. I shall harbor no doubts, because doubts lead to worry, and worrying is no good thing to do.

Some dear memories to share concerning my quite interesting, beautiful and difficult F&M orchestra experience:

Of course, there were individual orchestra members who contained such personALity, and I so enjoyed laughing at them behind my usually stoic face. All the cello section were made of lovely folk, and there ten of us. I never talked to anyone, tis true, besides my stand partner, and two of the other ladies in the back row, but that is not something I regret. I find it very difficult to start a conversation with young people, and I have a hard time changing that.

Also, there is one practice night that is deeply embedded in my mind. It was a thunderstormy night, and when I came into the Barshinger center, it was not raining, but as we got down to practicing Tchaikovsky's 1812 piece, the thunder boomed along with our canon-replicating drums. The roof leaked right above the bass section, behind us cellos, and they had to relocate in order to keep out of the drips. It was such a thunderstormy kind of night, so cozy and storybook-ish inside the Barshinger center as we practiced our thunderous music.

The Common Hour concert happened to be an interesting one. It was raining then, too, and I didn't know where I was going. After struggling to find parking, I lugged my cello, umbrella-less, across the F&M campus, until I found the proper building. Fortunately, I was not so late that I caused a disruption, which I was thankful about, because I do not like to be disrupting.

~~~

In closing, I wish to speak shortly about my financial situation. I do believe that I am going to make it. I have not found a suitable replacement job, but I have found a part time babysitting job that might work well when coupled with other work. I also may hear back from several other people who need a babysitter/nanny. I'm on care.com, and I've applied to numerous families. I'm not panicking, to be sure. There is one other option that I'm waiting to hear back about, also. I know that my job situation shall change from time to time, and I have come to terms with that quite well. My savings are slowly dwindling, thanks to taxes and such, but I'm not too worried. It shall all work out with time.

Yours truly,

Joelle

P.S. I have just finished listening to the audio book "Daddy Long-Legs". Honestly, that may be my very favorite book. I simply love the main character, because her letters are so awesomely full of character, and it is just such a beautiful story! You should definitely pick it up someday, to read. It is definitely worth your time, if you can swallow fiction.

P.P.S. I wanted to include some pictures, but I didn't really get around to it. My apologies! I shall do so next time, hopefully!!

P.P.P.S. I am greatly looking forward for this summer (except for the fact that my good friend is going off and leaving me AGAIN) because we plan to have many a picnic, beach trip, good times, AND, there is camp to look forward to, as well as a quite awesome road trip with some of my dear sisters. These things shall come to pass faster than we may think! Time be flying! Wait to hear from me!!

A Conglomeration of Thoughts Written While In Sleep-dom

You know what boredom is. We all feel bored some time or another, but lately I've been feeling what I call "sleepdom". This is the state that many college students are in, when they are running on only a few hours of sleep and cranking out assignments (or trying to), working, running errands, and trying to plan out the next few days/weeks/months. Yes. That's me. Last night I don't think I was in bed five minutes before thudding into that dark and mysterious land of deep unconscious sleep. And although I was privileged enough to sleep for nearly eight hours, at least half of today I have been walking around in a daze. Tired? I'm not sure if that word sums it up.

Anyway, the point of this post is not to describe my current state. Yes, here I am again in the library, typing away before I must go to orchestra. Tonight we are practicing till nine instead of till eight thirty. At least, I think that's what we are doing. I wouldn't mind if we didn't... because as I said, I'm just maybe a little tired! Tomorrow I will be able to sleep in a little longer than usual, but this week I will not be able to go to bed early.

The past days have been going quite well. Easter weekend (and actually, I didn't realize that it was Easter until Sunday morning) was so fun - Friday night I went to a friend's house, and my older sister, my cousin, the friend, his sisters and myself watched Dr. Who till very late. Did I say late? Well, lets change that to early. To be exact, we didn't arrive at my cousin's house (where Jan and I spent the night) until four o'clock. Yes, that early. Need I describe how fun that was? Let me just say it was a blast. We had pizza, cookies, brownies.... everything unhealthy and terrible. And I probably ate around half of the BBQ chicken & jalepeno pizza. That one was the bomb. Saturday night I went swing dancing with those same people; my cousin, sister and friend.... That also was so much fun, and I forgot how much I enjoyed it. I'll have to make it a point to go back as much as I have time. It's just so worth it to go; I never regret going.

Today was a good day, despite a tiring one! I raced around to get a phone charger, and look for cello music (failing to find anything I liked:/ ), and take Lou to dance class. We also went to the park, where unfortunately, my little charge wet herself at the park, so that was kind of a slight bit of drama in the park. Fortunately, a kind lady that I know from Lou's dance class was at the park with her children, and she stayed with Conrad while Lou and I raced to the car to change her. Nice people are oh so helpful! :)

I'm really looking forward to spring progressing some more... My life has been changing a lot right now, and yet somehow I think the beauty outdoors has been playing a part in keeping me upbeat. Both my nanny jobs will be ending by June or July. My favorite one, with my dear Lou and Conrad, will be ended this month. The other one won't be finished until midway through the summer, but knowing that raises a few questions in my mind. In all, I am at peace with how things are turning out. I'm not sure what the future months will look like - in fact sometimes I have no idea how my life will look in the Fall. I fancy my own ideas sometimes, but I don't know if it will turn out that way. All in all, I shall need to get a job soon. Ideally, in April, to replace the income from my one job. Despite the shaky ground my plans stand upon, I am pleased with how calm I feel. I don't want to get nervous and frantic. It's perfectly fine that everything is going this way... I don't necessarily feel safe about these changes, but I do feel thankful that I have options, and I trust that this shall work out in a way that benefits me, and is good for me.

All that being said, let's move on to a more philosophical concept. I have been thinking a lot about how I am made up of a strange mixture of self-confidence and extremely high self-criticism. In doing well with work and school, I feel confident that I really can do well, and that I am good at certain things. But even so, in a matter of minutes, that attitude about myself can turn into "I'm so terrible! I can't do anything well!" and depression about my self-perceived failures. That attitude can be brought on simply by failing to get a perfect grade on a test, or by having an awkward conversation with someone. I know, it does sound ridiculous right now, but I am working on a theory about well-behaved children. My theory is this: when a parent or parents work super hard at trying to make their child be the most well-behaved, or be the best in school, music, sports or anything else, the child often grows up to never feel good enough in all he does. I'll try to keep philosophizing about my theory next time (if I remember!) but I must go to orchestra practice now! Good luck to me! Hopefully I'll stay awake through it all, and hopefully my amusing fellow cellists (mainly Tyler) will talk to me! :)

To be continued.....

You Really Want My Bed of Roses?

Yes, it's Monday again. Was it Mondays that I decided to write a blog post? I can't remember. Well, anyway, it's been about a week, and I have to admit, last week was really crazy. This week should be better, with Spring break (even though I still work - 4 days instead of 3 days this week! And also orchestra practice goes as normal. F&M's Spring break is next week.... :/). In all though, my week was pretty super. I had a great time at orchestra practice Monday, and school has been going well. My brownies for Wednesday night Bible study turned out pretty good, and I enjoyed spending time with my church family! They are so awesome. This week I also helped out with my Human Trafficking class' service project, which was really awesome. We were creating gift bags for thirty ladies who are prostitutes, or who work in strip bars and massage parlors, etc. We had such fun Thursday during class filling the bags with candy and makeup and such.... I love my class and I loved working with them.

Also, Friday I attended my dear friend Sammie's bridal shower. She is such a sweet and awesome person, and I'm so glad I know her. :D I will be in her wedding this April... So excited for that. :)

Friday night I slept over at the house of some of the most awesome and fun people I know... I always eat well when I'm there! :) I of course stayed up late talking with Linda... and the next day I drove to Elizabethtown to attend a workshop on understanding people who live in poverty. It was a very good workshop, and I feel like I will be able to use that information in my work with inner city kids.

Volunteering at The Mix at Arbor Place has been going well. I love working there, and I love the kids. Especially the younger kids, but I want to work with the older kids too. Right now it feels strange working with highschoolers because I still feel so young, even though I'll be twenty in about five months.... I guess it's cause I look so young, and perhaps because of what one of Zach's brothers said to me two years ago about looking like I am twelve... I don't think I'll ever forget that! :P

Anyway, I meant to write a philosophical post about the concept of life being a bed of roses. It's very interesting to note how that saying, "Life's not a bed of roses" is actually a false statement. I would argue that life IS a bed of roses! If you think about the rose plant, there's a lot more to the bush than the pretty flowers. Several things came to my mind. One is obvious - there are thorns! And another one - it's not super easy to keep a rose plant alive, especially not at first. Beautiful roses are not simple to grow, and in fact the beautiful roses you see in flower shops are grown in carefully maintained environments. They are just what their name is - hot-house roses!

When we think about this in regards to our lives, it's important to keep a proper perspective. First of all, no one (at least no one I know) looks at a rose bush and says "Oh what a bother this bush is! I don't like roses! They're so full of thorns, and hard to take care of, and I have to cover them in the winter!" No, I don't think that would be a common response. When we think of a rose bush, we think of the roses and the thorns too. Our life is like that rose bush, and if we focus on the difficulties and hardships associated with life, then it's like looking at the rose bush and not noticing all the beautiful blooms. It's like deciding that because the roses only last for a certain amount of time, having a rose garden is not worth it.

Another way to think about it: You know how we look at other people's lives and say, "Wow, they really have it together! They have such a nice and easy life." I think we tend to judge everyone else's lives because we think we would be able to handle their struggles better, or because we simply don't think that they have struggles! That would be like if we would focus only on the rose, and ignore the thorns.

Now I know these aren't perfect examples, but they're something to think about. I like to think of my life as a rose bush, covered with thorns, and sometimes bare of flowers, but cultivated well by my Jesus, so that I can always look forward to the season when the roses bloom!

Peacing out....

-joelle-

Random Pictures From As of Late

 Farm Show, 2016

Finally receiving my diploma after too long of a wait....

 When we hosted Chinese students for the day - these photos from my Diversity class...

Bible Bowl, some Sunday afternoon.

Gingerbeer and exhilaration....

Much snow...

Family... <3

Attending a Deaf church for a school assignment...

PortaBELLa mushroom BISque! Pizenous mushroom BISque! (The pizen is biled out, OBViously!)

More Bible Bowl... :)

 

Choir practice, singing the Messiah!

Parks...

 

Invading a child's playplace in Chik-fil-A for the first time since early childhood...

And ending out with another park picture!

Peacing out..... <3

Scribbles on a Monday Night

As I sit in this slightly comfy chair at Manheim Township Library, it crosses my mind that I should make this a tradition to write a blog post every week before orchestra practice. Well, I should, but I don't like to set anything down in stone, so I won't promise it. It still could be likely, though, that I may post an impromptu bit of scribbles for your consumption every week, since I have library time between work and orchestra. If you wish to post any topic or word in the comments that you would like for me to elaborate on, I will do my best. This could be quite an exciting challenge!

The days of this past week have been long ones. Between work and school and studying, I've been keeping quite the schedule. A birthday party here, a catch-up-with-a-friend day there, and my Saturdays and evenings are quite spent! Just looking in my planner for this week makes me tired! Tonight I have orchestra, as I said, and I won't be home till 9:15. Orchestra has been exceedingly beautiful (despite the awful notes that find their way from our instruments at times), and although I once in a while feel discouraged at my struggle with learning how to play Tschaiskovski, I have been loving every moment of it. Tomorrow after school I start a most exciting and dream come true volunteer job, which shall last for about two and a half hours! It is called the Mix at Arbor Place, and I shall be helping with homework, for now. I'm super excited about it, because I've been longing to be part of an inner city ministry with kids for a long time. And so, that is my Tuesday. Wednesday brings a little bit of a change with work as normal, but then I shall skip orchestra (yes, I did tell my dear Mr. Norcross about my projected vacancy) and go to Wednesday night bible study at church. My small group (and I do love them so) is making supper for the whole Wednesday night bible study, and I am going to make dessert. If you have any ideas, do share them! Otherwise I shall make something like Blueberry cheesecake brownies (since I don't have raspberries. :[ ) or rice krispies... but both of those will require me to buy some ingredients, which I certainly shouldn't spend the money on. If you have ideas, I wouldn't mind hearing them! Comment away! :) That is my Wednesday for you - do you feel tired yet? That's just half the week. Then on Thursday, I'll have a day pretty similar to Tuesday, with school and volunteering at Arbor Place, but then I hope to travel over to Ephrata where I am eager to begin my part of a handbell choir! Friday will be semi-relaxed, only with work and an evening/night spent at one of my bestest friends' house! That pretty much sums up my week, although Saturday I will probably hang out with my friend at her house for a while, before perhaps attending a play (The Sound of Music) that a little girl in my small group is in (she will be the youngest sister - is it Bridgit?) Sundays are busy, too, with church, helping at Bible Bowl, and then choir practice where we are singing the Messiah. Do I sound crazy or what? I think I'm doing too much. :P I ought to be home with my family more. Oh well, Spring break is next week. Then I should be starting on my awful research paper and speeches. :(

Gradually, as the semester moves on, I feel slightly more confident than before. I still struggle with confidence, especially with the assignments that I haven't started on, but as I tackle them, one at a time they seem more doable. By no means do I think that these next assignments will be easy, but I have faith in my ability to do them, and I have even greater faith in God's ability to come through for me and help me to do my very best. He has been so faithful, and I have seen that more and more as I go out of my box. Funny how we don't see God's faithfulness as much when we stay in the "safe" zone. It's when we jump out on a limb, so to speak, that we can really see God working in our life.

:ALERT: do not try jumping on tree limbs at home. That is not necessarily the kind of limb I'm talking about.

So I ought to wrap this up and trot off to F&M where orchestra is held. I am starting to feel a bit sleepy, but hopefully I'll perk up once the music begins. By the way, the music we are playing is some of the most bEAUtiful classical music I've ever heard! I can't promise that our poor little orchestra will be able to render a philharmonic kind of job on it, or do it justice, but it still is so beautiful. If you want to make me happy, take me to a proFESSional orchestra who is doing both Rimsky-Korsakov's "Sheharazade", and Tschaikovski's 1812 orchestra piece. Then I can smile serenely at all the poor cellists playing all those extremely fast and tonal notes in the 1812, and be glad I'm not sitting in their seats! I tell you what, I can't believe that piece is so terribly fast and hard to play. :/ I wish I had help with my notes, because I almost feel like just pretending I'm playing when he changes into the key of five flats (is that bflat?) and smacks a ton of accidentals down on top of us. Ah.... and then we have to play sixteenth notes on top of that. At a fast tempo. :/ Poooooooor me! I'm the worstest cellist of the bunch, but that's okay cause this is making me into such a better one! And my fellow cellists are awesome. :D

There's so much more to say, like about how I like that I see the same light blue colored seden every Monday and Wednesday morning at 7:23 turning right in the opposing traffic at the 741 and 999 junction... and how I have been enjoying my classes, and how so many good things can be found despite the darkness of this life, BUT - it's time for me to leave and go to orchestra!

So adios! Till next time!

Why Should I Believe in God?

I've been thinking a lot about why I believe in God, and I decided, spur of the moment, to write out a short post on my reasons for why there is a God. Here I am, sitting again in the library before orchestra practice. This time, I am still tired, but not only am I tired, I am starting to feel sick. I believe I'm catching a cold. No mi gusta, no quiero mas. I want to go home, but I can't, and what's more, I only have half an hour before I need to go to orchestra practice.

 

You know, I talked with probably the smartest and most intellectual men I know the other week. He's not tall, but wiry with a beard. His sense of style goes perfectly with his personality, with scarves and cool professor glasses. The way he looks into my eyes when we talk, and continually asks why to my statements is almost unnerving. But I don't think there's a person alive who challenges me more, and who really makes me think. I had to think about that statement, too, because now I have a professor at school who makes me think, and of course there's my most wonderful Uncle Paul who gives me much opportunity to discuss every thought-provoking topic. But this cousin of mine has given me much reason to question my beliefs. His continual asking, "Why?" to my statements makes me rethink everything for myself... When we sat through church the other Sunday, he asked me, "Why should I believe in God? Why should I be a Christian?"

Believe me, that question haunted me for days. Not because I wasn't able to answer him honestly, but because my answer didn't mean anything to him. Let me tell you why. I thought about how to answer him for a while. We got our food, and I thought. See, I thought, he doesn't care about heaven or hell, or the afterlife - that isn't any motivation for him. (Besides, I told myself, that isn't even your reason for believing in God... why should that be a reason for anyone else?) He doesn't need Christianity for morals - he is a moral and by most standards, quite good person. He is extremely self-disciplined, self-motivated; he has done great things in his life, and he is raising great, loving, sweet kids... He doesn't need God to make him better.

Do you know what I told him? I told him that he doesn't need God. No, not the way you're thinking. Of course he needs God. But right now, he doesn't need God. He doesn't need God until he sees his sin, and sees his need for a Savior, and he doesn't need God until he sees he cannot perfectly love without the King of love and beauty. Until then, he doesn't need God.

I don't believe that was a perfect answer, but it was the only answer I had, and the only answer I still can think of.

Thus, here are my reasons for why I believe in God. To some, this religion is a crutch, and to others, an admittance of neediness. Perhaps, but to me this is my life.

I believe in God because if there were no perfect loving Father, there would be no purpose to my life, and I would have to kill myself. I could not live without a purpose and a knowledge that my Father has all this in His control - that He will turn everything out for good in the end. Without this knowledge, life would be worthless, and I would never have true joy. Essentially, it is a choice to believe in God. A choice made up of faith, and in my sight, it takes more faith to believe this world has happened by chance, that there is no God, no purpose, no afterlife, no ability to overcome this cycle of hurt, pain and sin. I do not believe in God so that I have a moral standard, and I don't believe in Him because I'm scared of hell and desirous of heaven. No, I believe in Him because I find myself falling madly in love with His perfect goodness and purity. I believe in Him because in order to follow Him, I must believe in Him. And believe in Him I must, because what other choice do I have when I am face to face with such perfect love?

Random Ramblings

Today I felt like writing a blog post. I decided that after work I was to come to the library and type up a good post... and post it, of course! And I had exactly forty-five minutes to do that before I needed to go to orchestra practice. Now it has dwindled down to a scant fifteen. And I have barely written one sentence. Part of the fault goes to my distraction with social media, but the other part of fault goes to the fact that I could hardly think of a single thing to say. So I decided I ought to put a picture first, since a "picture is worth a thousand words." Thus, I wasted five minutes, or more, in failing to find a picture that would work.

 

Fact of the matter is, I probably won't be able to write enough by the time I need to drive to orchestra practice. And how it happens, this fragment of a post might be left to dry up in the draft-box of my Blogger account, like the last post. I know I haven't written for a while, and I know that I should feel guilty for that. Part of me does, yes. But part of me hasn't really missed it as much as I thought I would. I've been busy. I started school. I have been either working or attending school five days every week. Added to studying and time with family, I haven't really had all that much time for myself. The time I do have to write, I spend in journaling. I haven't been writing to my grandmother every week like I used to. I do feel guilty about that... I ought to do it.

 

Everything has been going well. I've been healthy, for the most part, and getting enough sleep (usually). Assignments have been getting done on time, and I've been getting good grades. I've been getting paid, and have been keeping busy. What I exactly wanted to write tonight, I can't really say. I can't think of much, and actually, my mind is starting to feel so tired. I wonder how orchestra will go. It is an hour and a half long, but compared to the two hours for choir practice, orchestra actually goes fast. I guess the half hour really makes a difference.

 

Choir has started. I missed the first practice, but I mean to be there Sunday. We will be practicing the Messiah by Handel. I haven't sung that before, so I'm eager to begin. For orchestra, we're doing two pieces, one by Tchaikovsky, and one by Rimsy-Korsekov. They're both very difficult in places, but I'm doing okay. Just gliding over the rough spots picking out a few notes I do know - or think I know. It is a lot of fun, and I have spunky fellow cellists. They're pretty funny, to listen to and look at. I don't have any funny stories, but I am sure I will eventually. Actually, there are a lot of guys in the cello section.

 

February is almost to the halfway mark. This month will be the close of one sixth of the year. It's really weird to think of it like that. Especially since that means that I'll be twenty in half a year. Twenty. I can hardly believe that myself. Am I old enough to be twenty? I hardly think so... I know it won't feel any different - birthdays never do - but I think I am growing and becoming a bit of an older person, more like I want to be.

 

Well, my time is up. I must run. I'll post this now, even though it's not finished.

 

~Joelle