A Memory for a Long Day; The Day Before Thanksgiving, 2014

There has been a long stretch where I haven't written. Long nights troubled my soul, making it difficult for words to appear. Tears would surface, and I wouldn't know how to explain. Busyness crept up from behind me, and turned me into an adult. Event after event, growth spurt after growth spurt. Every time I felt like I had no more room to grow, I seemed to be forced to grow anyways. When I felt cramped inside a box, I realized I was the maker of that box and that I only had to step out to be free. I realized dreams don't fulfill. I realized happiness doesn't last. I realized money doesn't either fulfill or last. I realized... that there are things that last and fulfill, but I haven't yet gotten to be able to keep them in my hold. Happiness drifts by my door, and lets me have it, then drifts along again. I feel more relaxed than before though, almost as if I am not grasping at the happiness, not grasping at anything. I'm willing to accept what comes my way... haven't I had to accept a lot already? There are things that will be worse than the pain I've felt, but there will also be things that are better.

With all that said, I wish to throw a few sweet memories into the mix. These are from quite a while ago, back in late November of the past year. The day before Thanksgiving, which was a bittersweet, joyful yet somewhat sober day. These pictures make me love winter a little more. Look at the beautiful snow on the ground and the trees, and the smiling happy faces. The photos of the overturned SUV are of an accident that happened right in front of us on our way to the cider mill. The SUV fishtailed, then went into the bank and went onto its side. My uncles turned it over, like proper gentlemen.

The Complaints of a Sad Heart

There's too much heartbreak in the world. Even as I deal with my own heartache day after day, my heart reaches out over and over for all the ones around me who are hurting. And yet I am silent. The days pass by, and I work myself hard, so that I am so tired that I don't even have any energy to cry myself to sleep. I try to grow, recover, laugh... And I succeed. I laugh, I smile at everyone. But that's all I do. On new years day my friend S.M.'s boyfriend broke up with her, and her dog died. And I saw her pain, and I saw and felt the ache that she felt, and likely still feels. And I did nothing. I'm sorry, I whispered to her... But didn't know what else to say. Different of my coworkers have bad days, and I smile, try to get them to laugh, because I want, oh, so desperately, for them to be happy... I don't want them to cry, I don't want them to ache. And what do I do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The young lady I replaced in the deli now works in the cafe here. She has a small daughter, and she isn't but a young woman herself. I sat here at one of the cafe tables to eat my lunch, and I saw her go up and talk with two of the middle aged women she works with in the cafe, and she was crying. She had been on lunch, then she left. And I wanted to cry with her. I don't know what was wrong, but my heart ached. Oh A... don't cry, don't cry, please, may I give you a hug? I love you, A. I think you're so beautiful... Please don't cry, I know it hurts, but its going to be okay... But no. I look away, then watch silently as she walks to her cry, her face crumpled and tears falling from her downturned eyes. Why don't I do something? With everyone, with /everyone/, I do nothing. My friends and coworkers ache, they /need/, and I do nothing to help, I do nothing to fill that need. I feel so needy myself, yet what I do have, love, I don't even offer. What a failure I am at this...

Little and Memoriable Things

Sister~friend times....

Cold and dark bonfire parties....

Sweet adorableness all caught up in human form...

On Small and Important Matters

There are times when something strikes a horrible fear deep inside of me. I remember that time at the cider mill, just a month ago, when we arrived before Robert and Bek did, and we wondered where they were... And we heard sirens, and a fire truck raced by. That caused shivers to run down all of our spines, and dread was deep in the pit of my stomach. And life goes on, and the bad things don't happen, or, sometimes they do, and we forget, move on, block out the bad memories. It's a coping thing. We turn our heads when we pass by the crumpled bumper of that car, we stare straight ahead as we pass that place. But then the wounds heal with time. Funny, that. I was glad I never knew where exactly Granddaddy got hit and killed, but now that I know, five years later, it doesn't bother me. It's a bit melancholy, but I don't shiver and pass by with fear. Time seems to just relax me a bit. The other night my sisters and I watched a movie. A very good one, too. We sat there, afterwards, watching the credits, and a tear dripped from my eyelash. They died. Lots of people died. Yes, it was a war movie. And yes, in war people die. That night I thought of all my guy friends, and I thought towards them, oh please... Never, never never go to war... Please, never go to war, ever. It was only days before that movie that I overheard my coworkers talking about my one coworker's son, who is in the army. She was telling another coworker about how he had to take down a woman with a bomb, and his shot was too late by moments, so the bomb exploded right in her doorway, killing her and her children. My coworker was commenting on how cruel and foolish those people are, that they would sacrifice themselves and their children for the deaths of those in the American military, but I didn't listen anymore. I wanted to go to the back and cry. Why? Why? Why do they kill? Why do they hate? Oh God... God. Why does it happen? Then Saturday night I went and watched Doctor Who with Donny. I watched the episode where in the end, the doctor spun around in the Tardis laughing and shouting, "Just this once, everybody lives!!" And I was happy, too. I want everybody to live, too.

And My Car

So this is my car. Like I promised.

Grandmama's Farm

These days I can't talk, much. I don't have much to say about these pictures... Just for you to look at these pictures and smile.. because you ought to. There is much to smile about if you think positive. These are good memories, of course. Good ones to blot out the bad.

The beautiful, beautiful farm... From the hill, looking down to the shed and the house.